so nobody wanted to tell me that this is what my hair looked like all day

Minnesotans: “Bag.” (Rhymes with “egg.”)

Also Minnesotans: “Vague.” (Rhymes with “gag.”)

Man he didn’t get a warning Gatorade or anything

Everyone counts down to midnight on New Year’s Eve. That’s when I start counting up.

My wife: “We should finally do Christmas cards next year.”
Me: HAHA
My wife: HAHAHA
Us: HAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA

Hey kids, if your parents broke a lightbulb somewhere in the house and they don’t want you going in there until they have a chance to clean it up, that’s where your presents are hidden.

When I post my old twitter jokes here, please act like it's the first time you’re hearing them.