Scott Crisp
@scottcrisp.bsky.social
Writer and comedian from Dallas, Texas
Everyone who's still waiting around for the housing market to get better needs to grow up, get their head out of the clouds & throw their support behind my idea to use Honey I Shrunk the Kids tech to shrink ourselves down to a size where we can live in tree hollows like owls.
September 11, 2025 at 9:45 PM
Everyone who's still waiting around for the housing market to get better needs to grow up, get their head out of the clouds & throw their support behind my idea to use Honey I Shrunk the Kids tech to shrink ourselves down to a size where we can live in tree hollows like owls.
Hiring my biggest hater to come over and polish my 2007 Fort Worth Star-Telegram Reader's Choice Best TV Newswoman award and then organize all the other stuff I found in Gloria Campos's trash.
August 19, 2025 at 8:14 PM
Hiring my biggest hater to come over and polish my 2007 Fort Worth Star-Telegram Reader's Choice Best TV Newswoman award and then organize all the other stuff I found in Gloria Campos's trash.
Scooby Doo Villain: ... and I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you nosy kids--and your dog.
Fred (stressed about unrelated personal matters): Yeah well fuck you too, pal.
Fred (stressed about unrelated personal matters): Yeah well fuck you too, pal.
August 13, 2025 at 3:39 AM
Scooby Doo Villain: ... and I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you nosy kids--and your dog.
Fred (stressed about unrelated personal matters): Yeah well fuck you too, pal.
Fred (stressed about unrelated personal matters): Yeah well fuck you too, pal.
Some good news: The thing I saw lying twisted and motionless on the side of I-30 earlier today turned out to be a big blue & red duffel bag and NOT Spider-Man's mangled corpse like I first thought.
February 13, 2025 at 1:13 AM
Some good news: The thing I saw lying twisted and motionless on the side of I-30 earlier today turned out to be a big blue & red duffel bag and NOT Spider-Man's mangled corpse like I first thought.
I pointed out the sex shop's inventory was all just stuff you can win at Dave & Busters and the salesman got all panicked and whisper-yelled that if I was cool about it I could have a pair of oversized foreplay glasses and a Chinese penis-trap on the house.
December 16, 2024 at 7:26 PM
I pointed out the sex shop's inventory was all just stuff you can win at Dave & Busters and the salesman got all panicked and whisper-yelled that if I was cool about it I could have a pair of oversized foreplay glasses and a Chinese penis-trap on the house.
Reposted by Scott Crisp
Johnny Cash was reciting Commodus lines from #Gladiator to Joaquin Phoenix the first time they met
"‘They tell me your son squealed like a girl when they nailed him to the cross, and your wife moaned like a whore' ... he just said this to Joaquin out of the blue"
(via Deadline)
"‘They tell me your son squealed like a girl when they nailed him to the cross, and your wife moaned like a whore' ... he just said this to Joaquin out of the blue"
(via Deadline)
December 8, 2024 at 10:46 AM
Johnny Cash was reciting Commodus lines from #Gladiator to Joaquin Phoenix the first time they met
"‘They tell me your son squealed like a girl when they nailed him to the cross, and your wife moaned like a whore' ... he just said this to Joaquin out of the blue"
(via Deadline)
"‘They tell me your son squealed like a girl when they nailed him to the cross, and your wife moaned like a whore' ... he just said this to Joaquin out of the blue"
(via Deadline)
Reposted by Scott Crisp
Johnny Cash: This next song's called An Anthropomorphic Chili Dog Named The Delicious One, and Also He's a Fugitive, As Everybody Wants to Eat Him (Which He Fails to Understand)
Folsom Prisoners: (Whooping & cheering)
Folsom Prisoners: (Whooping & cheering)
December 8, 2024 at 9:05 AM
Johnny Cash: This next song's called An Anthropomorphic Chili Dog Named The Delicious One, and Also He's a Fugitive, As Everybody Wants to Eat Him (Which He Fails to Understand)
Folsom Prisoners: (Whooping & cheering)
Folsom Prisoners: (Whooping & cheering)
TDO is a fugitive
December 8, 2024 at 12:50 AM
TDO is a fugitive
Can't even express how much Taco Bell can get the fuck outta here advertising a $7 box as "like the 90s." Spending $7 at Taco Bell in the 90s would've been unthinkable. You'd have been stoned & ritually driven from town as a glutton, then we'd eat all that Taco Bell you ordered. It was a good system
December 7, 2024 at 7:19 PM
Can't even express how much Taco Bell can get the fuck outta here advertising a $7 box as "like the 90s." Spending $7 at Taco Bell in the 90s would've been unthinkable. You'd have been stoned & ritually driven from town as a glutton, then we'd eat all that Taco Bell you ordered. It was a good system
(Being held down at the Christmas Fair because I got too full of Christmas Cheer and took a swing at a labradoodle whose owner had dyed him green and dressed him up as the Grinch) Oh okay but he's just allowed to walk around like that, stealing Christmas, okay
December 3, 2024 at 5:02 AM
(Being held down at the Christmas Fair because I got too full of Christmas Cheer and took a swing at a labradoodle whose owner had dyed him green and dressed him up as the Grinch) Oh okay but he's just allowed to walk around like that, stealing Christmas, okay
It would've been funny if a famous New York singer like Tony Bennett put a song out in response to A Country Boy Can Survive called I Stabbed Hank Williams Jr.'s Friend for $43 (I dunno kind of a dark joke I guess but still).
November 22, 2024 at 7:29 PM
It would've been funny if a famous New York singer like Tony Bennett put a song out in response to A Country Boy Can Survive called I Stabbed Hank Williams Jr.'s Friend for $43 (I dunno kind of a dark joke I guess but still).
Looking for more mutuals #promosky
*Ken Allen
*Bornean orangutan
*Became famous in 1985 after escaping enclosure at the San Diego Zoo three times in a single summer
*Flipping the bird to people who happen by
*Ken Allen
*Bornean orangutan
*Became famous in 1985 after escaping enclosure at the San Diego Zoo three times in a single summer
*Flipping the bird to people who happen by
November 22, 2024 at 7:19 PM
Looking for more mutuals #promosky
*Ken Allen
*Bornean orangutan
*Became famous in 1985 after escaping enclosure at the San Diego Zoo three times in a single summer
*Flipping the bird to people who happen by
*Ken Allen
*Bornean orangutan
*Became famous in 1985 after escaping enclosure at the San Diego Zoo three times in a single summer
*Flipping the bird to people who happen by
Hearing some really good classic rock 👍🏻 while being beaten up by a bunch of sweaty Italian gangsters 👎🏻 and realizing you’re in a film by Mr. Martin Scorsese 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
November 21, 2024 at 8:35 PM
Hearing some really good classic rock 👍🏻 while being beaten up by a bunch of sweaty Italian gangsters 👎🏻 and realizing you’re in a film by Mr. Martin Scorsese 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
It is with great regret that I announce the cancellation of my upcoming stage show The Contest Episode of Seinfeld But with Rhesus Monkeys due to the rhesus monkeys' inability to stop jacking off for even an hour.
November 20, 2024 at 6:18 PM
It is with great regret that I announce the cancellation of my upcoming stage show The Contest Episode of Seinfeld But with Rhesus Monkeys due to the rhesus monkeys' inability to stop jacking off for even an hour.
Crazy to think Martin Scorsese's just walking around out there completely unaware that he's identical eyebrow twins with my gf's dog.
November 17, 2024 at 8:48 AM
Crazy to think Martin Scorsese's just walking around out there completely unaware that he's identical eyebrow twins with my gf's dog.
Sometimes I worry if we keep encouraging him, one of these nights Bruce Buffer is going to get too riled up and announce himself to death.
November 17, 2024 at 6:48 AM
Sometimes I worry if we keep encouraging him, one of these nights Bruce Buffer is going to get too riled up and announce himself to death.
Joe Rogan looking like if Jason Statham got caught in one of those car crushing machines or if Uncle Fester ordered a bunch of nandrolone off the dark web 👍🏻👍🏻
November 17, 2024 at 6:36 AM
Joe Rogan looking like if Jason Statham got caught in one of those car crushing machines or if Uncle Fester ordered a bunch of nandrolone off the dark web 👍🏻👍🏻
The good news is with one small squeeze, the orange tangerine mio will turn your water into a calorie free version of prime McDonalds orange hi-c. The bad news is this is the only good thing about being alive in 2024.
November 15, 2024 at 5:58 AM
The good news is with one small squeeze, the orange tangerine mio will turn your water into a calorie free version of prime McDonalds orange hi-c. The bad news is this is the only good thing about being alive in 2024.
So good looking but doesn't he know it
November 15, 2024 at 5:22 AM
So good looking but doesn't he know it
(Being led up to the altar on the top of the pyramid where they cut people's still beating hearts out and hold them aloft as an offering to the gods during times of drought) Is there really a Taco Bueno up here? There wasn't a Taco Bueno last time I was up here.
November 14, 2024 at 10:33 PM
(Being led up to the altar on the top of the pyramid where they cut people's still beating hearts out and hold them aloft as an offering to the gods during times of drought) Is there really a Taco Bueno up here? There wasn't a Taco Bueno last time I was up here.
Most kids today would rather have a spiked tail they could smash stuff with than a prehensile tail they could hold onto stuff with and I think that says it all sadly.
November 14, 2024 at 10:08 PM
Most kids today would rather have a spiked tail they could smash stuff with than a prehensile tail they could hold onto stuff with and I think that says it all sadly.