everyone’s asking me if dallas is burning yet and i have to explain that all the fans have to drive the 45 minutes in from plano first

hi, it’s me, the product dev lead at uber. we know how much you like headaches, so we are committed to turning up the brightness on the back of the seat ipad by 30%, bc it’s important for us to know that our customers’ retinas are being seared by the worst ads imaginable in a stranger’s car at 11pm.

nba: suns☀️
mlb: dbacks🐍
nfl: cardinals🐦
nhl: coyotes🐕
college: bama🌊
wnba: mercury🔥
usfl: stallions🐎

every day i pull up the immaculate grid website and immediately remember i know approximately zero (0) baseball players

my magnum opus. i’ll never post anything better than this.

jae crowder is the funniest player to possibly have a burner account because we all know it’s him. nobody else types like that.

so you’re telling me…

*visibly annoyed crowd*

they call these things…

SKEETS?

outfielders good.

corbin carroll: 1-4, hr, rbi, bb, 2 r

jake mccarthy: 2-3, bb, r

alek thomas: 2-4, hr (first at-bat back from reno!), 2 rbi, 2 r

lourdes gurriel jr.: 1-5, 2 rbi single

lourdes gurriel is building some exceptional sandcastles (dirtcastles?) by the dugout. four towers, sunflower seed flags, a moat. the whole shebang.

i love diamondbacks outfielders. i can’t get enough of speedy players with long hair and cool win celebrations.