it feels like the only way out is to off myself, it's been feeling more and more like the only way forward without becoming even more disgusted with myself than i already am

there's just no way forward

so what's even the point? i can't do so much as look in a mirror without feeling like i'm going to die. i'm not functional as a human, and i probably won't be able to ever with the pace i'm at.

every other trans woman i know lives paycheck to paycheck, is constantly close to homelessness and can't ever come close to the surgeries that they'd want. it's a zero sum game. nothing about being a trans woman leaves you remotely human in the eyes of society.

even if there was, what's the point? even if i was the most beautiful trans person ever i would live under fear of the same hate i already face, be discriminated against in hiring, housing, everything else.

other trans people misgender me, even after i introduce myself. i haven't had a serious conversation with a human being face to face in months, i'm treated as some sort of disgusting monster even though i really do think i'm at least tolerable as a baseline human being?

i just feel so stuck and stagnant with myself and everything about my life for years and there's no way out- i can't help but feel jealous of other people ive seen who have even made any sort of progress

but im stuck being so naturally gross, even by the standards of a man i just don't fit- it feels like im stuck in the middle and nobody wants me anywhere around them...

(i really dont care about passing or blending into society and i want to do quite the opposite- i really just want to feel grounded with myself for once instead of having my day ruined everytime i have to talk to someone or look in a mirror)

people i know have transitioned so much more recently than me and they're amazing and beautiful- they're accepted by people around them so easily and it makes me so upset- i do everything in my power to make myself look at least tolerable

i havent changed in months and its so frustrating, i feel so stuck in my own skin and i would do anything to get out of this stupid fucking caricature of a woman im trying to be (and failing)

my doctors have kept me on the same dose for a year, my levels seem great according to them, but there's nothing anywhere, i just look like a man with the worlds smallest impression of a feminine figure

everything was supposed to be perfect for me- i've been on hormones for 2 years, transitioned earlier than most people, and was able to get my healthcare ensured before laws in my state banned it (i live in a deep red state). but nothing is changing at all

it works in context ure gna have to see

gotta clarify they're nic free i havent touched nic in like a year