posts that should be a journal entry np. 9999 lmfao.

nah, but frfr I wanted to get this off my chest and *maybe* if someone is like "why can't this bitch stfu?!" they maybe see this and are like "oh ok. she's just like that~/positive" lol.

then again this is sm, and The Rules are weird and stupid.

but even then, will this feeling ever just chill tf out? what even is this feeling? I honestly don't fucking know.

sometimes I just wish things were simpler, somehow.

I can't even explain why I feel like that but it's tiresome feeling like something I'm saying is wrong, and I'm a prideful asshole.

idk I have to put more time into really understanding shit so I can speak confidently about w/e I'm talking about, and that's MOSTLY just tech, video games, and animation.

I dgaf about politics or w/e b/c that's bs.
I don't want to be a commentator.

I just want my words to *feel* like they matter.

I want to be able to prove what the fuck I'm saying about w/e the fuck I feel bothered or inspired enough to speak on and not feel like it's completely dismissed.

whether ppl don't care about what I'm saying or not is w/e but I AT LEAST want to be able to "show my fucking work" about these things.

I like having friends that are intelligent and say smart and cool things. I don't mind listening to people infodump about the things that they're passionate about because I've realized there's some things I'm the exact same fucking way about lmao.

I just want to feel like I'm participating somehow.

I've thought quite a bit about why this is a thing for me. am I narcissistic or self-important or w/e?

I'm also constantly thinking about if I'm saying too much, and if I should just stfu. I do enjoy listening to others who know what they're talking about more than speaking frfr.

I enjoy learning.

I guess the irony of my existence is that a lot of the time my words are a *bit* more likely to be taken in bad faith b/c I'm black and trans and a woman lmfao.

prob waay more neurodivergent than I'm fully aware of too frfr lol.

idk communicating sucks but it's important and I like engaging w/ppl!

I guess it's part of like being people or w/e, and prob some of this is just me being hella isolated irl, but I want meaningful conversation. even if what I'm saying is wrong, I want it to be taken seriously enough that someone can gently correct me about my ignorance on a matter.

whatever that is.

I don't think y'all understand lmfao.

the way my brain is, I'll be thinking about some shit I said like a week ago, esp if it feels like it landed wrong or weirdly, b/c I don't like being misunderstood.

not for some pride bs, but b/c I don't want to be mischaracterized for something I didn't mean.

if I decide to say something, unless I'm just being jokey or w/e, I've put thought into my words. A LOT of thought, especially if it's written, b/c text w/o the context of personal interaction can easily be misunderstood and cause unnecessary friction.

in general I take what I say *very* seriously.

while I still don't believe in the compartmentalization of your personality for consumption, I think it can be helpful to have places where you put some stuff, and places where you put other stuff.

maybe, lol.

I'm just tryna figure all of this out, so if you're interested in that, welcome aboard!~

so after literally leaving this post on my computer for like... a week lol, it still feels worth sharing. I still don't know wtf I'm doing, but I wanted to have this space up here for whatever I decide to use it for.

it'd be nice if this can be the place I go to rest and just exist as myself fully.

idk what to say tbh. it's probably cringe to say out loud and in earnest, that you want to make friends, but I do.

my place in my lifelong friend group was destroyed when I came out, for various reasons. I don't talk w/folks I used to go to church with, nor others I've had prior relationships with.

for a lot of us, myself included, this is like... a huge part of my social interaction.

not just this place, but the ppl I get to talk to in various places, from discord groups, to stream chats, and also on social media.

so as I'm becoming more comfortable w/myself, I want to express more of that.

I have enough sense that I KNOW online spaces ain't the same as in person and that we *all* should exercise some degree of caution and distance when engaging w/complete fucking strangers online.

that being said, I've met ppl online that are now an important part of my life.

times are so different.

bluesky felt like a chance to get that back, and then all the shit happened, so lately I find myself fussing about shit all the time. again!

it's like I can't escape being frustrated. I just want to fuck around and bullshit and engage w/ppl in a way that I don't always get a chance to do in person.

it has not been that, and I hate it.

I'm the kind of person who wants to put her actual fucking picture in her avatar, but lack of moderation and concerns for safety have turned these spaces into places that feel more like adversarial strangers who all walk around on edge, and not the fun kind lol.

I'm old...er lol. so when the prospect of Social Media was presented it seemed fun and exciting.

you get to connect with folks from around the world that you wouldn't have otherwise met and hear the experiences of ppl and realize that you have far more in common than you thought was possible.

I can't split who I am between happy go lucky optimistic girl tryna navigate life as best she can and My Professional Face, or whatever the fuck.

I don't know.
I really don't know.

I'm not a brand, I'm a me.
I like what I like and I feel how I feel.

I hate that social media has become what it is.