Don't eat a bowl of chili before a nude modeling gig

My husband's superpowers when building things:
1. Putting them together backwards
2. Stripping bolts

Biggest joke in America? Health insurance

Yes, my cat jumped in the toilet in the short period of time it take to pull up your pants, right before flushing the toilet. Yes, she's done it twice

Do you think cats think in meows?

Having a black cat is a continuous game of is that the cat or a shirt

Someone is drinking dumb bitch juice by the galloon

One of my cats is called a beautiful princess at the vet. The other is called a brute #rude

I don't like decorating for Christmas so now we're arguing on which little tree air freshener scents for our Christmas tree

One time I snuck a whole pizza into a movie theater