This is true of domestic violence but also of situations involving groups of people and even entire nations. As Desmond Tutu famously said, “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.”

Saying “they abused each other” or “it was mutual” or “it was bad on both sides” are all ways of deflecting blame, enabling abusers, and distorting the understanding of abuse. It is better to say nothing at all.

The idea of “mutual abuse” is very dangerous because it distorts what abuse is about: a power dynamic being exploited. There’s always a perpetrator and a victim. To muddy those waters is to victim-blame and make it impossible to help victims and get them justice.