Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

I regret nothing. The end.

There is only one bad word: taxes.

Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.

I hate metaphors. That's why my favorite book is 'Moby Dick'. No froufrou symbolism, just a good simple tale about a man who hates an animal.

(Does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence?... Nah, it's just a fucking fish.)

"I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss and I especially don't like people celebrating because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus, the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards."

”There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk.”

“I’d wish you the best of luck, but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”