I mean... uh... worth?

So if you don't see me post much, that's why. I just have nothing left.

I am constantly tense, constantly afraid of everything and nothing, and only these rare moments of peace allow me to order my thoughts onto (digital) paper. They are, however, quite true, and sadly I see no light at the end of this tunnel. Only darkness.

While I have no idea if I will get to that point again, I have taken steps just in case. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in about 13 days, the best state insurance can do. I no longer own firearms. Dad has my knife.

Yet if death took me tonight I would die with a smile.

There isn't an ounce of hope in me left. I came over to my father's because I caught myself with the knife at the vein. To be honest, even after the best Thanksgiving I have had in years, I wish I hadn't caught myself.

I no longer want to be here. There, I've said it.

My father is MAGA and very different from my mother, but I am loved here, and I am safe, and I am relatively warm, and I am fed. They are graciously sharing their home with me so I can try to get back on my feet.

Now, for worse news.

A relationship that I truly thought was my soulmate has ended, and it has shattered me like a pane of glass. We're going to try to remain friends and never say never and all that but... I am bereft of hope.

Due to my financial situation, I have been forced to move in with my father and his wife.

My physical health is weak and shaky. I've been eating to survive, not eating for health, and it shows.

My mental health is just straight gone. Anxiety, depression, all maxxing out their meters. I weep at the drop of a hat if I don't have control over myself.

I am single.

As of a few days ago, I've had to abandon my apartment. I am completely spent resource-wise. I lost my job lost October, and except for a few weeks earlier this year, I've spent everything I have trying to remain stable while looking for a job.

This has failed spectacularly.

And yet the theme to .hack//SIGN echoed into my head when you said this so I'm picturing you and your bone explosion and also hearing HOW COME I MUST KNOWWWWWWWWW

Had to nuke my Tiktok, following you again (rasenkyo), and you are so right. Too much is going into AI and too many people are going to drown in it.

Let me know when you get mine done! I wanna hear how bad it was.

I feel the same and yet simultaneously could go for a variety of items referred to as pie.

I think someone is abusing my voodoo doll.

If only I had an income, I'd sign up in a heartbeat.