At a book store heard an elderly man ask for books on philosophy and “Where can I find a book on how to write in cursive,” a sentence which now joined the canon of great unanswerable philosophical questions.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a human BEing when I want to be a human FUCKing.

Sure, he’s pretty thin, but to me, calling him Slender Man really downplay his defining characteristic of not having a face.

I’m sorry, but the term “blood bath” would generally be more aptly described as a “blood shower”.

Remember that thing in school where the bullies would yell while punching you if you said anything grammatically incorrect? The “Hurts, doesn’t it?”

Last night I was at dinner with a friend and when I went to the bathroom, I looked in the mirror and my dick was out and caught in a mouse trap AND MY FRIEND HAD SAID NOTHING!

Today I described my therapist as the kind of New Yorker nerd who say things like, “Was it not Voltaire who said...”

We all know pug enthusiasts are called pugilists, but are Jack Russell terrier enthusiast called Jack Russell terrorists?