Me, being broken up with on a Paris vacation: Is it because I insisted on wearing the fake moustache and the string of garlic

Gf: Well honestly it's more the fact that you haven't been employed in 4 years

Drunk Parisian man doing karaoke behind us: Take anuzza leetle piss ov mai heart baybeh

No officer you don't understand, my body is a vessel for an ancient spirit who just really loves slamming 10cl bottles of Hennessy and running up and down the busy highway weeping uncontrollably, it's not actually me doing any of that

You rise from a fitful sleep and scramble for your phone, sweaty hands negotiating their way through the passcode. You open social media. Someone from your hometown has decided to make a Facebook post about their grandma who died when they were 3, for the sixth time this year. A fell wind blows

Keep your friends close but your enemies closer?? Uhhhh????? My enemies smell like shit??? That's literally WHY they're my enemies in the first place you better check your shit fore you catch a fade giving shitass advice like that fr

Wife: Do you think someone could successfully hide a body in the woods outside our house?

Me, betting our family carrier SUV on a horse, sprawled out on the couch, wearing a "Gamers Don't Die They Respawn" shirt that accentuates my whiskey barrel belly: When did you buy a cattle gun

So am I the only bloke in this gaff who fought in the Robot Wars™ or what

Mfers be like "Back in the lab" dawg you are not treating photos in a darkroom here you are recording yourself playing with a power drill and calling it a "harsh noise solo project"

Back in the day are parent's used to let us drink the fire hydrant water in
Are neighborhood and smoke cigarette's in the garage parents now are liberal SISSIES they should be sending there kids to ACTIVE WARZONES not having PRONOUNS and playing FORTNITE

Microwave rice near me

Not every one will understand this because
Whole country gone to hell no one want's to work!!!!!!

Okay listen up LIBERALS who is available to drive me to the airport tomorrow my wife has the car for the weekend

People nowadays don't realise that what it takes to be a social philosopher and truly deep thinker is to have been exposed to a dangerous amount of lead and paint fumes as a child

Is any one good with Face Book Marketplace found this while cleaning basement not sure what to do with it

Google look up Ham Jello cake recipe

The local youths are communicating with me through a runic language that my wife keeps telling me is "just sidewalk chalk" but I have irrefutable proof that she is a deep state plant so I will not be entertaining her feeble attempts to deter my pursuit of the ultimate truth

Having violent premonitions in the Long John Silver's employee bathroom. No I do not work here stop asking

Bitches will get on IG like "One year with the love of my life! You're my rock, my world, my North Star" and it's just this mfer

Does anyon
anyone know any restaurants around town that do NOT play rap music Linda and I local seafood place ONLY plays rap music NOT IMPRESSED at ALL

thank you