happy turkey day.

outside of what i do offer on terms of physically or emotionally, aka as a support figure on demand or someone who gets shit done. i'm not recognized as someone who needs her own support group, who does need assistance. after everything, i thought it was obvious but naaah!! :> we ball.

this year i've learned that no matter what i do for people, it'll be forgotten in 3 to 5 business days. no matter how much i try to be better, i lose it in 3 to 5 business days. no matter what it is i'm dealt, i don't get a mulligan. i don't get another chance.

im disregarded until i vouch for myself and even then, in most cases i just don't say or do anything. i just take the blows and let it eat me up inside when i know i'm better than that, just at this time i'm not. i just say whatever placates to my audience and bite my tongue.

still no word on the apartment, i have to do everything myself and even at that, do what others ask of me. i have to maintain my cool when all i want to do right now is fucking explode. i'm not seen for what i do, or have done, i'm only noticed when there's a fuckup and that's when ppl care.

--thanksgiving dinner at that. where all i know this time of year is stress, anxiety, tension and familial distress. a time of year i've been trying to rewrite in this trauma brain of mine because i want to live a good fucking life, a happy fucking life and i'm believing i'm not allowed that.

just that after everything this year, i was hoping there could be just maybe a day or two, things maybe went "my" way? things could work and that i could have just a few hours of peace or fun. but now i'm shaking anxiously b/c my dear sweet not even legal MIL is going to be popping off about dinner

holidays and my birthday are the time of year that i cannot mentally be normal. i get overemotional and expect some fairytale outcome for some fucking reason. like "oh!! my boyfriend's family and my family are going to sing kumbaya at the thanksgiving table". my mom said it best, i'm so delusional.

Update: I was there a whole half hour past when I was scheduled until, worked 8 hours but I only got a singular 15 and meal. Instead of idk. Two 15s and a meal.

So anyways, it's bubble bath time!

Where I work, there's two different sections and the main section gets maybe 3 to 4 ppl for close. Me? I get. Me.