I don’t wanna go back to that 😭… but i can’t keep pretending worrisome symptoms are fine either.

I get my health anxiety was hard to deal with after a while. They couldn’t emotionally help me while I just couldn’t mask my reactions/worries about my physical health (especially not without the right anxiety meds back then).
Those were traumatizing times honestly.

Oh and my parents didn’t help whenever they got pissed at me for expressing worries. I remember a night when my father went ballistic, screaming at me, scaring me while I was a crying and anxious mess who never felt so lonely.

Doesn’t help that i learned of several people dying from cancer in the last few years (a few fandom peeps, mother in law, her dog, mom of a friend of my sis, one of my uncles, etc…).

Now, I feel like maybe certain doctors weren’t throughout examining me and I possibly wasted 4 years only treating my mental health and planning my future once again (which a cancer diagnosis would bulldoze entirely now… I remember fearing this could happen 4 years ago 😔).

Because of this whole experience, I started to really believe it was mostly all anxiety related and was done with tests and such (I was so SO tired of being told « you don’t have this disease » and tests being mostly negative… it drove me crazy).

I did so many tests, blood checks, thyroid scan, got my lungs checked, colonoscopy, stomach/throat checked, heart checked… so i could understand why i felt so tired and ill. Finally told to take anxiety/depression meds and it lift a lot of my symptoms.

Really, current mood is oscillating between « kill me yesterday I’m done» and « fuck you nothing will stop me from enjoying the good that’s left in my life! »

Welp, if I die within the next decade (from disease or stupid evil warmongers that mascarade as country leaders these days), I’m gonna do it enjoying my hobbies the best I can until the end 🤷🏻‍♀️. At least.

And while I’ve read reassuring happy ending stories about people who got the surgery… I also read others not being done with the disease even after surgery.
This disease SUCKS and disrupts people’s lives so much.

I’m afraid of (more) excruciating pain. I’m afraid of my colon tearing unexpectedly and risking sepsis.
Afraid there could be something worse on top (cancer).
Hate i don’t know what I can eat safely (while craving for chocolate and such).

In the end, it went fine and all and I’m happy he came with us. It’s just… The anger, the anxiety… it’s bad. Bad for him but also for me (I’m scared I’m going to be in pain again and, at worse, needing hospitalization… knocking on wood I guess).

He’s isolating himself more and more and he’s allegedly bad at directions (and refuses to buy a GPS) so it was a real PAIN to plan the driving (driving itself went better than he anticipated… but gosh…).
The town was 15minutes by car from home. Directions were clear on google.

This was a nice exhibit really. Some pretty good stuff there.
I just wish my dad hadn’t been such an anxious and angry mess since yesterday evening.

FF7 remake(s) on the other hand… it’s a rollercoaster nightmare of emotions each release week for me 😵‍💫.

Frankly, the only announcement that would produce more joy than stress these days would be the awaited FF9 remake. This game is pure comfort food for me. The worst that could happen is that the remake got canceled and well… it would be mildly disappointing but not an attack on my guts.

Which is why I have to delete the recent announcement from my brain because I don’t need anxiety at all right now (I read a lot on the internet and it seems stress, among other things, can trigger flares).