💕💕🫂🫂

; ___ ; 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💕💕 thank you hel ;;; i know it sounds so cliche™️ but it actually means a lot, ily very dearly ;;

i think the majority of the year has just been me: processing all of this, without fully understanding it with clarity until now + trying to stay afloat.

anyway im fine, i think i just needed to say all of this somewhere.

and how ive been so estranged not just from extended family but from whole parts of life. (i could continue for literally ever)

and like (reddit voice) “move out! leave! don’t do it!” i get that, but there is no way i can functionally live while leaving “this” unfinished.

but here i am, emerging from a decade long depression, still alive, and having to think about how im going to, someday, have to arrange four funerals by myself.

and how nobody is actually here, in a way that matters. and how i was always being woven into a safety net.

meant i had a support system, right? like that makes sense, doesn’t it?

and im not and never wanted to be hand-held or spoonfed or spoiled or w/e. i never wanted to be entitled or to take ceaselessly, but i thought i would maybe get advice? i thought someone would teach me to drive or something?

wholly and painfully disorganized, stuck in a largely self-imposed poverty of every kind, that i have to solve.

like i never thought i would end up just, physically surrounded by living people that never had any intention of helping me. i was so convinced, because they were here, and stayed, that

now***

even know im censoring myself, even though theres no logic to it. shame is so impossibly stupid and effective

the eldest / only daughter need to have someone with “authority” validate your crippling state of mental health deterioration and household dysfunction + that being the only thing that really really lets you believe it’s real laugh track . mp3

;n; that’s exactly it, i’m sad it’s taken me this long but we’re here now🫂🫂

like sksbdkfjd spent a good 7 years being like no no no i couldn’t possibly but here we are 😭

wasted time in corporate and nonprofit (although it’s been useful) only to circle
all the way back around to "oh this is my
slog"