Next few months even more lonely.

The last 6 months has been alot, for a number of reasons and sitting at home almost all day every day has given me an abundance of time to look at all this.

But now I have to cut myself off from the Denver community because of what has already happened. And while I am moving soon that makes the

It just puts me in a feeling of i am again the black sheep of the family. And I know i am not the only one, but every time I meet someone who is cool and I want to be friends with it comes down to they want to fuck me, my partner, or already have fucked my partner. And that just doesnt vibe with me

Me.

This is not me placing blame on him or the pup community, its just my reality. I love a communtiy that is rooted in gay culture and with that comes a display of open sexuality that doesnt fully vibe with me beyond me being fully supportive of these groups and the right to have this space.

Is the next journey. Mainly comes down to the fact my partner wants the open relationship and the freedom to explore his sexuality his way, once he fucks someone I just cant be friends with them. I have a hard time even talking to them, which of course means less and less events and community for

It hurts when that happens and has made me bitter toward sex and being in an open relationship and I think the deleting of the apps and halt of the forcing myself to be something I am not is my last attempt to selvage my relationship and myself.

Moving forward this does cause a new issue that

Me friends and connections and that very much has been my experience. Everything seems great, they seem to be a great friend until I say I am not interested in sex, then I see them pull away and wean me off, and in some cases just say fuck it and go right to my partner because he is very willing.

And even being naked or in gear. But my brain says this is fun until there is any pressure beyond that for actual sex.

It has harmed my core romantic relationship with my nesting partner. And there are still things we certainly have to hash out. But I just dont want sex to be the thing that makes

Being on T has brought to the front of my mind. Other than that sex feels boring and is becoming a headache and chore.

This absolutely doesnt mean I am 'leaving' the pup community. I have found I really value the community once I remove the pressure of sex from it. I also do enjoy the spaces

Especially with random hookups.

This has been a difficult thing for me to work though, since I really love and value the pup community around me. And I do appreciate the non sexual events.

Its just coming down to the ol' hand and maybe a few toys are all i need for the physical release that

Wear a hood*

Stop me from engaging but I am glad I weather a hood for the most part, I got rather...bored? I guess thats the best word, and the last thing I want is my face defaulting to my resting unenthusiastic expression and make someone feel unwanted or worse

Out topping is the main way for me to go.

This was a queer all gender group and next time I think I am going to stick with the men's only space. But it was a very good introduction. I'd rather have a ton of small just ok to good experiences than one bih bad one.

But yeah the ace brain doesn't

The great thing about being transmasc is you can fuck yourself with the same bone you pound other pups with

Gear set up isn't the best for that, nor is it really ascetic and one of my harnesses does make me feel super dysphoric. But I found something that I am super interested in and will be building that hopefully in time for the next party.

That unexpected realisation and that he was actually interested now that he had time to process out of sub/bottom head space.

I have been looking at some gear and I think i found a look that works well and also allows me 'display' what I am offering.
I feel topping is what I want, but my current

I was still pretty socially awkward and a bit shy, even with my hood (though it helped so much) so I know that contributed to a few people thinking I wasnt interested