An ancient, still functional relic known as “The Last Blockbuster” has been discovered.

Upon unsealing, emaciated staff began demanding late fees. It has now been resealed.

“We realised too late that we completely forgot to return a VHS. We’ll try again in a few decades, hopefully they forget.”

Citizen posts picture of award winning massive blueberries.

Five foot, eleven inch regular, non-modified human wrists aged to precisely forty-seven point six years beside them for scale.

Fingers not to scale.

New compulsory blood donor campaign is launched.

Armed government officials will bring every Citizen to the clinics for mandatory blood extraction.

Refusal is not an option.

New donor campaign slogan also revealed:
“Don’t give because you care, give because you’re afraid not to.”

Robots set up various traps in owner's vacant house after suspecting that they're being robbed.

The owners are simply home early and are unable to get close enough to turn off its "Home Alone" system without being hit by swinging buckets of paint and BB guns.

Procrastinators Anonymous declare next meeting to be:
"probably next week some time, I dunno I'm not too sure yet. There's just so much going on, I really don't have time right now, you know?
I have at least six more seasons of [Popular TV Show] to catch up on."

Citizen cloning himself in attempt to avoid responsibilities is now inundated with clones lazing around his house.

"Each one just keeps cloning another one. Nobody wants to do anything. God maybe I really am just that horribly lazy. I'm going to do the dishes to get my mind off things."

Amusement park SatanLand opens its doors.

Stan, the large, red, horned CEO, promises it'll be a "Hell of a good time"
and customers will
"just be dying to come back.”
and
“I'm hellbent on making this the Beast experience or my name isn't Sata-- Stan. My name’s Stan."

Scientists test the popular myth "Two heads are better than one" by attaching two heads together.

Conclusion: "No, no it's definitely not better. There's an awful lot more screaming. Like, endless amounts of screaming. Next steps will be to see how they are when attached to a body."

Officials issue reminder for ALL CITIZENS to STOP LICKING THE TEMPORAL ANOMALY.

Scientists have confirmed that this is a terrible idea and will result in changes to the timeline.

The anomaly may take on the appearance of ice cream, cookies, a lollipop, or a tootsie roll.

Prince of Mars Royal family sends out dozens of electronic messages a day, attempting to find a recipient for his enormous wealth.

"Nobody replies to my messages, I don't get it. They just need to send a small advance fee and I can get rid of all this burdensome money!"

Automatic rocket launches from Earth with emergency supplies for starving Mars colony, to crash-land in a safezone for quick distribution.

Warehouse workers note that the emergency supplies were still in the warehouse, however stockpile of nuclear explosives intended for Pluto mining were missing.

Outbreak of deadly virus on Mars has infected thousands of citizens.

Officials warn that this "Dad Virus" causes infected to communicate in dad jokes.

"Hi infected, I'm dad" is now the most common greeting.

Security Officials on Mars note "don't trust atoms, they make up everything!"