In a wedding ceremony I often introduce the section where the couple speak their promises with some words like these: “Remember that these are not chains to bind you, but guides and reminders to help you in the adventures to come.”

I think it’s helpful to see a vow in a different way: not a loss of freedom or a promise that we might fail to live up to, but a way of setting a clear structured intention. To help focus that intention, we can do that in a ritual or cermonial seeting, with symbolic actions like exchanging rings.

It’s clear that many folk are wary of vows, perhaps because they fear they are going to be somehow trapped by them, or fail in some way if they “break” the vow.

Fine of course, and there are other ways of framing this: perhaps they can make some gratitude statements, express how they love and appreciate each other, what makes their relationship meaningful and important, and what their wishes and intentions are for the future.

What, after all, makes a wedding ceremony if it’s not the chance to tell your partner how you mean to be in relationship to them, to make a speech act that changes something about that relationship?

Fine of course, and there are other ways of framing this: perhaps they can make some gratitude statements, express how they love and appreciate each other, what makes their relationship meaningful and important, and what their wishes and intentions are for the future.

What, after all, makes a wedding ceremony if it's not the chance to tell your partner how you mean to be in relationship to them, to make a speech act that changes something about that relationship?

Might it be better to focus on doing what emerges joyfully from our inbuilt love and compassion for our fellow humans, other beings, and the wide world around?

Photo is a wild service tree, Sorbus torminalis. © Copyright Patrick Roper and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

The word is related to the Latin servus, a slave. When we use it to describe our activity, particularly in a spiritual context, it's easy to feel we're doing things in a transactional way, in order to avoid punishment, displeasure from god or our fellow people, or to achieve praise and merit.