It’s funny that there is an unspoken rule of American culture that jelly doughnuts shall be glazed and lemon doughnuts shall just be sugar.

People like to dunk on Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” but do those people know there is a Jimmy Eat World version of “Last Christmas”?

The ultimate stage of adult appreciation for Mr. Rogers is when you finally understand him changing into home clothes after he walks through the door. As a kid I was always like “what the hell is this man randomly trading up items of clothing for” — but I get it now, Mr. R. I get it now.

[Rodney Dangerfield voice]

“I tell you I get no respect. I contacted Twitter support to ask why my follower count was dropping so fast and they told me even pornbots have their limit!”

14-y/o: “Why does everyone call Los Angeles ‘L.A.’ but they don’t call San Diego ‘S.D.’?”

Me: “Maybe because Los Angeles is a longer name?”

14-y/o: “It’s literally the exact same number of syllables as San Diego.”

Me: [silently questions everything I ever thought I knew]

Would very religious people be less religious if everyone all of a sudden became just as religious as them?

Ok guys this is clearly way worse than Twitter

At first glance this is standard, whimsical pizza box art. A closer look reveals it to be a nightmarish depiction of a normal human pizza chef being assisted in his craft by some half-rendered cartoon goblin from a different dimension.

You may remember Ziggy as a lovable loser, but if you actually go back through the archives it’s clear this “loser” had his finger on the pulse of a nation. This entry from December 1, 1984 is less “comic” and more searing indictment of a legal profession that has lost its way.

There is a church near me that advertises free coffee and doughnuts before Sunday services and it makes me wonder if the whole “omnipotent and omniscient deity who controls our eternal fate” angle is not having the impact it once did.

[Setting: me, on my deathbed]

Loved ones: …

Me: “It still doesn’t make sense that the absence of people wasn’t even *addressed* by the ‘Cars’ movies.”

Fair warning: I am going to be reposting on here some of my favorite tweets that I have written from the past decade. If reading some of my very best, usually under-appreciated, but admittedly recycled tweets offends you, you may unfollow me now to maintain the purity of your Bluesky experience.

The last 1 percent of my iPhone’s battery is the most powerful percent — it seems to represent at least 10% of my battery life. Sometimes I’ll drop from 28 to 19 percent with a gust of wind but my last percent holds out like it’s at the Alamo.

What kind of stuff do you even talk about over here — I kinda feel like I’m in an AOL chat room.

Logging on here after checking Twitter makes me feel a little bit like I’ve just come up the elevator to the office on “Severance”