Now that the strike is over, I can go back to writing my fan fiction about George Carlin and Ringo Starr finally fucking those trains. It was a sacrifice I made you’re welcome but now its time to go back to work.

I’m honestly surprised that Republicans haven’t attempted to embrace Taylor Swift, because if there was ever an example of pantsuit white feminist mediocrity.

Taylor Swift is the missionary position’s poet laureate.

Could you continue to feel as strongly for a cause if Sean Penn stood right next to you at your protest? Like that’s almost as bad as Sean Penn loving your music. Or Sean Penn buying your book. Or Bill Maher retweeting your joke. Or Sean Penn punching your wife. Or…

Writing a fan fiction about Quantum Leap where Sam keeps being put into Mitch McConnell’s body because Ziggy thinks it’s funny and Sam is speechless from constantly waking up at random times as a racist with purple hands and piles of shit in his pants.

Matt Rife was in Philadelphia the other day and I don’t know how he got out of here alive because everyone was talking about what they’d do to him the way old men fantacize about beating up child mollestors.

Based on the reports of alcoholism, existential crises, emotional breakdowns, revolving doors of management, and suicidal tendencies of those who work there, one would assume that working at the Tonight Show isn’t at all that dissimilar to working at pretty much any normal restaurant 🤷‍♂️

But all that said, Sean Lennon is still FUCKING annoying and he has his father’s face at its most fucking punchable.

Does anyone else feel like they could treat their friends like Marc Maron where you would love them more if you could just fast forward the fifteen minutes of their story and skip the angsty cat stories?

No one wants to go on an adventure anymore. You hit 38 and its chicken fingers on delivery and episodes of House and some days thats okay. But when did everyone become too old to break into the old abandoned paper mill and take pictures of broken filing cabinets?