❤️

"Here in Opalsworth, the temperature reaches 59C in the shade, and deadly inland taipan snakes ride huntsman spiders directly at the faces of wannabe opal hunters. The extreme temperatures make diesel-powered diggers liable to explode, so Alf has told teenage son Draven to wear an extra hard hat"

You could get completely wasted on an Outback Opal Hunters drinking game with these 3 criteria:

Drink for each chat about the ceiling maybe caving in
Drink for each mention of how the outback could kill you that isn't a cave in
Drink for expensive machinery causing problems

Anyway, if you want to commission me for next year's John Lewis ad, lmk.

Me: Hang on. Let me find her.
AI granny:
Me: No, Charlie, let go! You can have it in a moment!
AI granny: What's happening out there?
Me: Just a second!
AI granny:
Me: Mum keeps crashing, granny. Do you want to leave a message?
AI granny: No. Goodbye, Charlie.
Me: No, I'm Phili-
*dial tone*

Me: Granny, could you read him that story I loved as a child?
AI granny: What story? How would I know what you loved as a child?
Me: I think he just wants the phone, to be honest. There's a Numberblocks app and-
AI granny: Can I speak to your AI mother?

Let me just rework that mawkish advert:

Me: I'm with child!
AI granny: Oh.
Me: He's getting bigger, see?
AI granny: Yes.
Me: He's kicking like crazy!
AI granny: Well, I don't know what you want me to do about that.
Me: I just thought-
AI granny: Is Countdown on?

Imagining an AI trained on one of my own grandmothers and I guess it would just sometimes pop up onscreen, call me by my cousin's name, and tell me I look quite nice when I don't scrag my hair back like I normally do.

Me being enough of a twat that I won't be missed is starting to feel more and more like a sensible safeguard against being turned into an AI manifestation against my will.

(One for me, one for them to take home if they wanted to)

it's giving "her face was eaten by the cats who have also inherited her worldly riches*!"

*£5.47 and seventeen crates of unopened mail

By nostalgia AND lead paint