I just need to grow up and stop being such a whiny self-centered piece of shit or try a more guaranteed method next time.

I'm not delusional. I know 90% of my problems are my fault. I know loving me is hard. I just wish I could be happy.

I could try again, but maybe living like this is what I deserve.

Even the cats barely sleep with me anymore. I'm easily replaced by everyone in my life.

Not like I can talk to anyone. Can't talk to my family because I'm dependent on them and terrified of what would happen if I'm outed. Anyone who says they'll "always be there for me" either gets mad when I tell them what's on my mind or actively ignores me when I actually reach out for help.

Don't know what to say to anyone who thinks I'm gone, in all honesty I really might as well be. I hate being alone more than anything, but I bring it on myself. I feel like poison. Everything from my body to my college career to every meaningful connection I have just falls apart.