Now that I'm married, sometimes I vacuum with my left hand because it feels like someone else is doing it.

Sucking my thumb at work. It's making everyone really uncomfortable but it's in my contract, so they can't do anything about it.

You use the toilet paper, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You use the rag, you stay in Wonderland. And I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

Wearing my Dilbert tie at this wedding, everybody hates it

I'd blow Sonic's back out and then he'd make me breakfast in the morning

Do you think people in China would eat the bottom half of a mermaid?

Having thanksgiving dinner (A bunch of pinecones, twigs, and leaves served on a stump) with my family (between 7 and 15 frogs on mushrooms surrounding the stump)

Full moon tonight

Using Hims while listening to Her's

Just watched my coworker playfully pick up the engaged receptionist and her shirt came up on her belly. What a piece of shit.

I may be small, but I bite really hard