Peter-john Byrnes
@peterbyrnes.bsky.social
Sometimes people pay me to tell jokes.
Because of a prior engagement, I’m going to have to DVR the final episode of Ken Burns’s The American Revolution. No spoilers, please.
November 21, 2025 at 5:53 AM
Because of a prior engagement, I’m going to have to DVR the final episode of Ken Burns’s The American Revolution. No spoilers, please.
2025 has been like an advent calendar where behind every door is loose stool.
November 20, 2025 at 6:04 AM
2025 has been like an advent calendar where behind every door is loose stool.
Will Dick Durbin retire NOW if we promise to buy him a feral stray cat? It’ll hate him, scratch and bite him, and he’ll still end up feeding it five times a day because he’ll give in every time it meows. He’ll be in Heaven!
November 10, 2025 at 7:16 AM
Will Dick Durbin retire NOW if we promise to buy him a feral stray cat? It’ll hate him, scratch and bite him, and he’ll still end up feeding it five times a day because he’ll give in every time it meows. He’ll be in Heaven!
Family Movie Night: WarGames, the terrible tragedy of a nerd who successfully *prevents* a nuclear war and loses his one shot at sex with a super-hot girl from his high school.
November 10, 2025 at 4:51 AM
Family Movie Night: WarGames, the terrible tragedy of a nerd who successfully *prevents* a nuclear war and loses his one shot at sex with a super-hot girl from his high school.
Do you think if we keep mentioning Tron: Ares on social media, they’ll release Morbius in theaters again?
October 22, 2025 at 4:03 AM
Do you think if we keep mentioning Tron: Ares on social media, they’ll release Morbius in theaters again?
An early draft of "The Miracle Worker" showcased Annie Sullivan's initial failed attempts to communicate with Helen through a series of painstakingly crafted farts.
October 21, 2025 at 1:37 AM
An early draft of "The Miracle Worker" showcased Annie Sullivan's initial failed attempts to communicate with Helen through a series of painstakingly crafted farts.
Trump’s health is like his golf score: more strokes than he’d care to admit.
October 16, 2025 at 3:04 AM
Trump’s health is like his golf score: more strokes than he’d care to admit.
The only way I could be happier about the imminent bursting of the AI bubble would be if it took crypto with it.
October 14, 2025 at 12:58 AM
The only way I could be happier about the imminent bursting of the AI bubble would be if it took crypto with it.
On Sunday, President Trump cancelled an on-camera interview with Jake Tapper and instead conducted the interview over text. Drawing on his keen journalistic skills, in response Tapper has written a new essay complaining that Joe Biden is old.
October 7, 2025 at 12:43 AM
On Sunday, President Trump cancelled an on-camera interview with Jake Tapper and instead conducted the interview over text. Drawing on his keen journalistic skills, in response Tapper has written a new essay complaining that Joe Biden is old.
Now Trump is going after Fallon and then presumably SNL, and if this means that Lorne Michaels gets to watch his comedy empire get crushed out of existence just before he dies of a broken heart, all despite his attempts to normalize fascism, then maybe all of this will have been worth it after all.
September 19, 2025 at 4:40 AM
Now Trump is going after Fallon and then presumably SNL, and if this means that Lorne Michaels gets to watch his comedy empire get crushed out of existence just before he dies of a broken heart, all despite his attempts to normalize fascism, then maybe all of this will have been worth it after all.
Apparently if you’re a billionaire already and stand to make billions more after a merger, “fuck you money” means something very different.
September 18, 2025 at 9:09 PM
Apparently if you’re a billionaire already and stand to make billions more after a merger, “fuck you money” means something very different.
Based on this week, it appears that the greatest indicator of white supremacist sympathies is run-on sentences without punctuation.
September 13, 2025 at 9:22 PM
Based on this week, it appears that the greatest indicator of white supremacist sympathies is run-on sentences without punctuation.
If you’ve been scolding me for my lack of empathy this week, you’re going to be SUPER disappointed in me if they ever assassinate Trump.
September 13, 2025 at 3:47 AM
If you’ve been scolding me for my lack of empathy this week, you’re going to be SUPER disappointed in me if they ever assassinate Trump.
I’m really looking forward to all the upcoming Ben Shapiro podcasts recorded live from his panic room.
September 12, 2025 at 3:02 AM
I’m really looking forward to all the upcoming Ben Shapiro podcasts recorded live from his panic room.
Apparently, “I feel bad for his family” is the liberal version of “thoughts and prayers.”
September 11, 2025 at 11:24 PM
Apparently, “I feel bad for his family” is the liberal version of “thoughts and prayers.”
Charlie Kirk’s shooter’s is apparently still at large, and since the description is “youngish-looking white male,” that only narrows the pool down to half the population of Utah.
September 11, 2025 at 12:31 AM
Charlie Kirk’s shooter’s is apparently still at large, and since the description is “youngish-looking white male,” that only narrows the pool down to half the population of Utah.
A father at a Phillies game is being mocked for reluctantly taking back the home run ball he snagged for his son, and handing it over to an unhinged old woman because she yelled at him and told him it was hers. But on the plus side, Chuck Schumer has reportedly recruited him to run for the Senate.
September 9, 2025 at 2:26 AM
A father at a Phillies game is being mocked for reluctantly taking back the home run ball he snagged for his son, and handing it over to an unhinged old woman because she yelled at him and told him it was hers. But on the plus side, Chuck Schumer has reportedly recruited him to run for the Senate.
This has been a week where everyone who grew up in the Chicago suburbs is learning which of their former classmates were taught to be scared of black people.
September 4, 2025 at 2:09 PM
This has been a week where everyone who grew up in the Chicago suburbs is learning which of their former classmates were taught to be scared of black people.
I would like to urge my fellow Chicagoans not to throw Subway sandwiches at the National Guard troops or ICE agents when they arrive.
Throw an Italian Beef, dipped, with hot peppers. Show some civic pride fer chrissakes.
Throw an Italian Beef, dipped, with hot peppers. Show some civic pride fer chrissakes.
September 3, 2025 at 2:08 AM
I would like to urge my fellow Chicagoans not to throw Subway sandwiches at the National Guard troops or ICE agents when they arrive.
Throw an Italian Beef, dipped, with hot peppers. Show some civic pride fer chrissakes.
Throw an Italian Beef, dipped, with hot peppers. Show some civic pride fer chrissakes.
A sequel to Freakier Friday called Freakiest Friday where mother and daughter are part of a polyamorous throuple. Tagline: “Who’s in whose body? EVERYONE.”
August 19, 2025 at 3:02 AM
A sequel to Freakier Friday called Freakiest Friday where mother and daughter are part of a polyamorous throuple. Tagline: “Who’s in whose body? EVERYONE.”
Medieval Times in Schaumburg IL shut down temporarily because a water main break contaminated their water, which is why Medieval Times is bullshit. If there were a decent chance of contracting cholera while a failed improv actor served me food, I would go.
August 13, 2025 at 2:11 PM
Medieval Times in Schaumburg IL shut down temporarily because a water main break contaminated their water, which is why Medieval Times is bullshit. If there were a decent chance of contracting cholera while a failed improv actor served me food, I would go.
Everyone wants to talk about how Kristi Noem shot the family dog after throwing it in a gravel pit, but let’s not be too hasty: she shot the family goat, too. #RememberTheGoat #HeresLookingAtYouKid
August 9, 2025 at 5:36 AM
Everyone wants to talk about how Kristi Noem shot the family dog after throwing it in a gravel pit, but let’s not be too hasty: she shot the family goat, too. #RememberTheGoat #HeresLookingAtYouKid
One of the saddest things over the past six months is watching how many people can rationalize their cowardice into brave and noble self-sacrifice.
July 25, 2025 at 3:21 AM
One of the saddest things over the past six months is watching how many people can rationalize their cowardice into brave and noble self-sacrifice.
The next attempt at distraction from the White House will probably be the release of the pee tape. Because at least those prostitutes were legal adults.
July 23, 2025 at 4:43 AM
The next attempt at distraction from the White House will probably be the release of the pee tape. Because at least those prostitutes were legal adults.