If/when I die, I want my brain put into a robot body, regardless of whether or not the technology exists for my brain to actually control that body or even interact with it in any meaningful way.

I just think it would be cool.

I’m in IT, so when I see someone describe themselves as an alpha, I interpret that to mean that they’re failure-prone, feature-incomplete, and basically not ready for public consumption.

New conversational tactic: Begin a statement with the phrase, “with all due respect,” and then end it with something that’s actually objectively respectful.

Boom. They won’t know what hit ‘em.

Whenever I buy a new device that comes with a USB charger, it's very important to me that it will fit into the drawer with the two dozen other USB chargers that I probably won't ever use.

Hey... I'm not saying this to be racist, but [deep breath] cats are generally adorable, and I love them. That's just how it is, and I don't care what the liberal media has to say about it.

Boom.

#MicDrop

“Thank you for holding. We are experiencing higher than expected call volume, but…”

Quiet, you; we both know that isn’t true. Now just put “Opus No. 1” back on, because that’s my jam.

Facts of note:

• There is no panda on the Panda Express menu.

• There is also no panda on their secret menu.

• They will insist that they don’t even have a secret menu.

Ugh, what an ordeal. Please, people, heed my advice— if someone offers you a puzzle box that opens a portal to Hell, you just say to them, “does it come with the Frontega Chicken Panini? Because what I ordered was the Frontega Chicken Panini.”

Also, “no, thank you.”

“I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.”