mammas don’t let your babies grow up to be line cooks

didn’t realize they’d make me take off my jacket for my passport photo so now I’ll have a 10-year reminder of which pajamas I wore last night

this is like the most powerful anti-smoking ad I’ve ever seen

god gave me abominably wide feet so I couldn’t Carrie Bradshaw my way into debt

can you guess what my entire apartment smells like

call me Schlage the way that I’m locked in

delusional things I was briefly hellbent on achieving with unfounded confidence in 2024: 1) unlocking a natural talent for spearfishing, 2) becoming elected as my county’s coroner, 3) learning how to officiate beer league hockey

I visited my grandma this weekend and learned that she’s a Knicks fan now. She calls every player she likes her “cutie in New York.”

I know I’m out of touch because I saw the thumbnail for “pov: you forgot Kendrick’s favorite condiment” and thought the answer was grey poupon

i can’t stop thinking about this sticker