Anyone else going as a slutty tariff for Halloween this year?
October 26, 2025 at 2:19 AM
Anyone else going as a slutty tariff for Halloween this year?
The dung beetle has its shit together.
August 16, 2025 at 2:53 AM
The dung beetle has its shit together.
I lost a lot of money on the Puppy Bowl again.
February 9, 2025 at 11:18 PM
I lost a lot of money on the Puppy Bowl again.
Waiter: Would you like some macadamia nuts?
Me: It’s macadamia testicles, and yes.
Me: It’s macadamia testicles, and yes.
January 25, 2025 at 1:38 AM
Waiter: Would you like some macadamia nuts?
Me: It’s macadamia testicles, and yes.
Me: It’s macadamia testicles, and yes.
The existence of Tickle Me Elmo raises a lot of questions I’m gonna need Benson and Stabler to look into.
January 19, 2025 at 6:33 AM
The existence of Tickle Me Elmo raises a lot of questions I’m gonna need Benson and Stabler to look into.
I don’t care how confident you are, if I call you an open-faced French dip in public, you’re gonna feel bad.
January 19, 2025 at 6:02 AM
I don’t care how confident you are, if I call you an open-faced French dip in public, you’re gonna feel bad.
A sommelier but for dipping sauces.
December 19, 2024 at 12:32 AM
A sommelier but for dipping sauces.
I’m looking a lot more out of place in my speedo and diving cap than I expected at this dive bar.
December 15, 2024 at 5:01 AM
I’m looking a lot more out of place in my speedo and diving cap than I expected at this dive bar.
Wait, the Wounded Warrior Project isn’t exclusively for the Golden State Warriors?? I feel duped.
December 15, 2024 at 3:24 AM
Wait, the Wounded Warrior Project isn’t exclusively for the Golden State Warriors?? I feel duped.
The People’s Choice and The Peephole’s Choice are two very different awards.
December 14, 2024 at 12:48 AM
The People’s Choice and The Peephole’s Choice are two very different awards.
ASAP Rocky’s mom: As Soon As Possible Rocky, you better clean up this mess right now!
December 10, 2024 at 2:39 AM
ASAP Rocky’s mom: As Soon As Possible Rocky, you better clean up this mess right now!
I love hitting the snooze button and then doing a bunch of snoozing.
December 9, 2024 at 3:36 PM
I love hitting the snooze button and then doing a bunch of snoozing.
“I was up late night ballin’.”
*puts away my bag of marbles*
*puts away my bag of marbles*
December 9, 2024 at 2:19 AM
“I was up late night ballin’.”
*puts away my bag of marbles*
*puts away my bag of marbles*
Get all my ducks in a row??
First off, I don’t even know where all the ducks are in the house. Secondly, you think I’m THEIR leader? Other way around, bucko.
First off, I don’t even know where all the ducks are in the house. Secondly, you think I’m THEIR leader? Other way around, bucko.
December 8, 2024 at 1:41 AM
Get all my ducks in a row??
First off, I don’t even know where all the ducks are in the house. Secondly, you think I’m THEIR leader? Other way around, bucko.
First off, I don’t even know where all the ducks are in the house. Secondly, you think I’m THEIR leader? Other way around, bucko.
Burger Prime Minister just isn’t as impressive.
December 7, 2024 at 10:36 PM
Burger Prime Minister just isn’t as impressive.
Me: Why do you go by Cyclops? You have two eyes.
Cyclops: Crypto really ruined my original name, Laser Eyes Guy.
Cyclops: Crypto really ruined my original name, Laser Eyes Guy.
December 7, 2024 at 6:27 PM
Me: Why do you go by Cyclops? You have two eyes.
Cyclops: Crypto really ruined my original name, Laser Eyes Guy.
Cyclops: Crypto really ruined my original name, Laser Eyes Guy.
Reporter: It’s a hung jury.
Me: Yeah, we get it, they got big dicks. But what did they decide?
Me: Yeah, we get it, they got big dicks. But what did they decide?
December 6, 2024 at 9:12 PM
Reporter: It’s a hung jury.
Me: Yeah, we get it, they got big dicks. But what did they decide?
Me: Yeah, we get it, they got big dicks. But what did they decide?
Most of you will never know the thrill of killing THREE birds with one stone.
Today was a magical day at the zoo.
Today was a magical day at the zoo.
December 5, 2024 at 1:20 AM
Most of you will never know the thrill of killing THREE birds with one stone.
Today was a magical day at the zoo.
Today was a magical day at the zoo.
The #1 thing on my bucket list is figuring out how to live forever.
December 4, 2024 at 10:55 PM
The #1 thing on my bucket list is figuring out how to live forever.
I didn’t know reindeer were real until well into my 20’s.
December 4, 2024 at 3:04 AM
I didn’t know reindeer were real until well into my 20’s.
I guess we’re in an orange republic?
December 3, 2024 at 9:06 PM
I guess we’re in an orange republic?
Nobody ever talks about how they don’t sell targets at Target.
December 3, 2024 at 8:09 PM
Nobody ever talks about how they don’t sell targets at Target.
GRIM reaper? Uhh yeah, that’s a depressing ass job.
December 3, 2024 at 5:41 AM
GRIM reaper? Uhh yeah, that’s a depressing ass job.
If you want to smell like stale cumin or paprika, do I have a deodorant for you.
December 2, 2024 at 9:36 PM
If you want to smell like stale cumin or paprika, do I have a deodorant for you.
It turns out Fleshlights still only have one purpose during a power outage.
December 2, 2024 at 6:58 AM
It turns out Fleshlights still only have one purpose during a power outage.