great I put all of my allen wrenches in the garage, now what am I supposed to stick in my ear?

I love it when people are like “oh you’re such a good dad”, like you don’t even know how good I am. maybe I should go to therapy

James Harden was the last American to win MVP in 2018; and now like him all of America is fat and has a big beard

I love Dutch and it is delightsome to look upon, but I want to emphasize to BlueSky that I do not speak it.

My goal for my forties was that I was really going to get into Sting’s solo stuff. My only goal. Still can’t, but I’ve got seven years left! Set the bar low, I says!

I spilled a chocolate protein smoothie on a library book, yes, it was "The Siren's Call" and the nice librarian lady did not have the nerve to tell me to pay up, but her boss in Hawaiian shorts and long hair took one look at it and said "we can't release that into circulation." $30 later, great book

My cat, Joan of Bismarck, passed away yesterday. She brought us many years of joy and cuddles. RIP

anyone noticed how it just feels different when you click on a post in bsky to read the comments? I don't mean the mood, or the content of the comments. I mean the UI, the tactile feel, the response in my brain. I feel like it just *appears* while on the other site it flashes on.

Over at the in-laws for the holiday weekend and my son scavenging for leftover morsels like a raccoon at 4 in the morning, then comes to his sleeping bag, clutching pretzels and in the fetal position. He just snarled at me.

Thanksgiving as a kid: your crazy uncle dominates every conversation with weird conspiracy theories

Thanksgiving as an adult: your crazy uncle stays glued to his phone the whole time, not talking, getting his conspiracy fix on a constant drip

Will we ever regain the knowledge of how the ancient Egyptians built the great pyramids? I don’t know but I regained the knowledge I knew decades ago and lost through the ravages of time of breaking up the ramen before you open the bag.

Sports things I am willfully ignorant of: salary caps, positions, offensive coordinators. Just can’t be bothered

At 4 AM went on a wiki rabbit hole on dunning-kruger effect, overconfidence bias, intellectual humility and metacognition and emerged a perfectly rounded individual. At 6 AM supremely overconfident in my limited knowledge and competence again

The great poet Robert Frost and I were listening to the hooves of horses plodding thru freshly fallen snow and he let out just a massive stinkbomb, I foolishly asked if he was guilty of the offensive act, and that’s where we got “whomever smelt it, dealt it”

My billions of microbes living in my gut could kick your microbes ass

Midscrape my dental hygienist tells me to horde discarded baby teeth, the DNA may be useful in the future, whilst my son is in the room, thus SHATTERING the tooth fairy myth, and my dentist breaks thru the wall like KOOL-AID man and mansplains that “there is no significant DNA in baby teeth!”

Pachacuti and I are riding llamas side by side in my dream, singing a forgotten Incan ballad when I am awakened by son shouting, yell-reading dog man, and when I defend the unimpeachable silence of the night he says he must read that way because of the “narration”, tearfully adding “sleep is boring”

Swamps have this vibe like they are full of pickle juice, it’s a little surprising to find out they’re not