If it wasn't for that, I think I make enough to afford the apartment, and thus, am slightly satisfied with where I'm at

It's demoralizing when you're just being told to do your job under scrutiny.

However, it provides some motivation for pursuing programming with a little more intensity. Just haven't reached the urgency

And although that isn't the full scope of what we were to one another. Here we are today. And I can only hope and pray to the universe for a peace with you... one day

But this time away is indicative of that relationship. Of that time together. Of what we meant to one another. You were the world to me. And it kept getting shattered and glued, shattered and glued, shattered and glued

While I am fearful and at times petrified. Of how you feel about this, what you would do with just another civil assist... just the thought of you coming back here keeps me jumping at the front door now.

However, that does not mean that I hate you, never want to see you again, don't wish the best

Happy Birthday, C'lester

Regardless..

It's not the legacy I wish to leave behind.

And it's not like I wanted him on a protection order anyway, but strangulation? I break down everyday just thinking of what happened that day. Of all that we had done together. Of all that I was picturing. But to picture the kids seeing us in this dynamic. Is not what I want

Anything over that(fines, conviction, charges), or not including the temp order

would just continue to open a hole in my chest. I want him free to live his life. Not be curbed by our horrible dynamic. I think I really do need to find another therapist. I can't talk to my Ma or my friend about this

Does he even care, or think back to what happened.. will he still stay, but isolate himself from any interaction with me? Does he think I hate him? Does he care? Has he contacted anyone for support? How can I contact him without repercussions? Is he okay? warm? Eating? Connecting? But not forgetting

I just don't even know how he's going to express himself. Will he forcibly stay, and I just have to deal with whoever he brings over.. to deal with this stranger/friend, or him, stealing/holding ransom my grandmother's things.. to deal with no agreements and unpredictability.. it's all so veiled..