you know they had a big black mass devil worship this week. but i skipped it because i believe you can be just as close to satan on a golf course as in some stuffy old satanic church

last christmas i got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. he gave me a lottery ticket… what's the guy even thinking there? "here you go… nothing! merry christmas! it's nothing"

other actors look at me the way vampires look at count chocula

when you go to the men’s room later, you’ll see a sign that says gentlemen. pay no heed, go right in. there’s no room that says scoundrel on it.

this guy is so fucking unsure of his sexuality,
he's mad at me because i jizzed all over his face!

you know, when it really comes down to it, i don't wanna be fucking whacking off on some fucking guy in front of me
and cum all over him, and then he's gonna have cum all over him, and then he's yelling, "who?"

and then who's the homophobe, right?

now, they didn't show that in the movie. but why not, if they're gonna make a movie, make it right.
so i wanna to be in the back cheering, "go, go, sheriff!
you'll get the fucking townsfolk behind you!"

i wanna see a guy with a white hat and a guy with a black hat,
and i want to see them shooting each other up in front of the saloon, you know?
the last thing i wanna see is a close-up of a beautiful hot cock slipping into an asshole!

i thought it was a western. that's what i thought, i swear to god.
they told me it was a western. now, i'm sitting in the back, i'm watching it, and i'm like, where's the guy?

i went to brokeback mountain, and i thought it was a western.
fucking tell me it's a western. i hope i'm not homophobic.