Me to wife: It's actually "hold the fort," not "hold down the fort." The fort won't float away.

Wife: You're doing it again.

Me: Sorry. Hold down as many forts as you like.

I keep waiting for one of these thirsty men to sac up and say, "Secure that shit, you melted yam!" I'll keep waiting.

Oh my god, your reactions were perfect!

I wish I could do home-made tortillas. Fortunately, I have a carniceria just down the street that makes everything from scratch.

Quick story. A day after Mardi Gras in New Orleans, a couple walks in to my local pub. She's in jeans, but he's still dressed in Britney Spears schoolgirl gear, drunk as hell. Not five minutes into them sitting down, he slaps her across the face. The locals (and me) took him down and called NOPD.

I know, dude, but it's worth it. I just got my Antifa Executive Washroom Card. That washroom sparkles! It's almost as shiny as my NAFO access at Langley.

My gift to my mom every Mothers' Day was a box of Sees. Either nuts-and-chews (her favorite when she had real teeth) or an assortment of other, softer candies. She always let me steal her butterscotch squares.

Oh, that's true in some cases. Creamy sliced avocado is a dream. But you don't strictly need avocado. That's kind of a California thing (which I approve). You can skip the guacamole. It's sad, but it's kind of traditional. Make the food you need with what you have on hand.

Guilty confession... I make my own authentic Mexican food, from tongue tacos to salsas to tacos al pastor. But I will still chew my way through a nun to get to a Taco Bell Mexican pizza. I can't explain it. I should be chained up.

You had me at tri-tip.

The burrito was invented in San Francisco. It was fair food, like the ice cream cone (a waffle and a scoop of ice cream). The burrito was a handheld bean wrap. Sure, it's evolved, but maybe Connecticut has some catching up to do.

Dude, respect the roof of your mouth! I'm not telling you not to eat hot pockets, just to throw that scalding lava on a bed of ice as you would fresh seafood.

Halloumi and spinach sounds amazing. Halloumi is wonderfully dense and melts reluctantly, making it ideal for a pizza topping. I've done "Drunken Halloumi," soaked in Ouzo and flambeed, but I've never tried using it on a pizza. How'd you wrestle it into an even melt?

Those look good. I've cooked lots of stuff, but I've never tried pizza. Maybe I will now.

Nope. A meat pie is a handy lunch for a worker. A pizza roll is a snack for a guy who still lives in his parents' basement and rarely showers.

A papusa, in my experience, is more like a bean pie. We have a papusa place near our courthouse. If I order a normal papusa, it's unseasoned refried beans in a pita. I recommend looking around for hand pies or experimenting with your own recipes. Vegan tip: Not all hand pies include meat.

I think Mabel was hoping she was next.

You're missing out. Cornish, Mexican, Ukrainian... They all do it differently, but it's solid working-class food, and it's made to stick to your ribs. Hand pies. Good stuff! I even do my own California version with shredded tri-tip, corn, peas, potatoes, and salsa verde in a pastry shell.

Oh my god, I had that on vinyl! I gave it (along with my Love Spirals Downward, my Sisters of Mercy, and my 4AD collections) to a good friend when I moved away for a while. When I returned, she'd sold them all off at a yard sale. Disappointed doesn't cover it.