The Iliad:
"Oh no! Patroclus is going to kill my son Sarpedon! Hera, should I save him?"
"Don't be bloody stupid, Zeus."
"But he's one of my favourites!"
"You rescue your offspring, and every other god will do the same. You'll have no-one left to fight."
"Huh. Fair."

The Iliad:
"Poseidon, Athena, I am going to seduce Zeus. You help the Greeks while he's distracted."
"Hera, that trick never works!"
"That trick always works. It's the aftermath that gets messy."

(Book 14)

The Iliad:
"Hector. You look a mess."
"Apollo? Yeah, Diomedes hit me with a rock."
"Well, get up. Zeus doesn't want you to die yet."
"If you say so."
"Good man."
"Wait - what do you mean 'yet'?"

The Iliad:
"Poseidon? Zeus wants you to stop helping the Greeks."
"Iris, tell him fuck him."
"Uh. Are you sure?"
"Yes!"
"Really sure?"
"Um. Good point, well argued. I'll stop for now."

The Iliad:
"Dolon, I would like to introduce you to my friend Odysseus. Odysseus, Dolon here was prompted by a spirit of curiosity regarding the Greek encampment."
"Why Diomedes, that is the same spirit that motivates us! Dolon could make our lives much easier. Or we could make his much shorter."

The Iliad: I'm reading from the 2023 Emily Wilson translation, which rocks.

The Iliad:
"Alright, dickheads, this has gone on long enough. I want this war done, and I want it done quickly."
"Ok, Zeus, what do you want us to do?"
"Nothing! Stop interfering! Any of you fuckers so much as touches a Greek or Trojan I will punt you off this mountain myself!"

(Book 8)

The Iliad:
"Ok Diomedes: I've given you the divine upgrade package. You will absolutely dominate this battle."
"Wow, thanks Athena!"
"You'll also be able to tell the difference between gods and mortals. Do NOT engage the gods."
"Of course."
"Unless you see Aphrodite. Shank that bitch."

(Book 3.)