7+ meds on the regular to be okay, but god damn it I am okay!!!

like they were all right this is very useful now that it fucking works but how come no one told me that it wasn’t fucking working because my brain wasn’t ever gonna let it work without a crutch

spent the last decade trying to CBT and self-compassion my way to health only to find out it was never going to work without this complex balance of meds to make any of it stick. absolutely bonkers how much easier it is to like yourself when your brain isn’t shrieking at you every moment of the day

the formula for “muta can actually feel okay, process emotions, and complete tasks” = 2 anti-anxiety meds + 1 mood stabilizer + 1 depression/PTSD treatment + 1 sleep/blood pressure med + 1 hormonal birth control (no estrogen or it’ll kill me) + 2 adhd meds

my mom and I talked and it was mostly nice and a lil triggering but I wasn’t mean and I didn’t let it get me down too much, I got my bb notes and fic stuff in order and sent it to the folks I had to, my wonderful gf sent me a sweet text, I had mac and cheese bites and brownies, + early bedtime soon

I had a nice call with my bff and she said I was thoughtful and appreciates the way I process my emotions and express them after said processing. That meant a lot.

OH AND as a treat post-gym since I was very much Not Wanting to Go but did it anyway, stopped at my fave coffee shop and got their peach tea latte that is possibly the best drink ever and that was great too

I desperately hope I’m not getting too excited too early since I’ve only had the one treatment but fuck I feel like I just clawed my way out of my own grave

I’m so sorry, 14 year old me. 18 year old me. 21 year old me. 26 year old me. All of the me’s before and in between and after. Thank you so, so much for the work that got us here.

I don’t even know how to describe the emotion I’m feeling right now. It’s relief and validation and comfort and so, so much hurt for the me that’s spent a decade+ suffering and thinking there was something wrong with who I am, thinking I wasn’t trying hard enough, thinking I was just horrible.

“If I just start working out - eating better - going out more - journaling - meditating - spending more time with loved ones - etc. if I just did xyz, I’d feel better. I’m doing this to myself by not doing xyz” hey do you know why I couldn’t do any of that. do you think it MIGHT be the depression

I couldn’t accept that there was nothing I could possibly do to fix it. I know that it’s a chemical-biological-brain thing, not an effort thing, but every part of me just thought if I did xyz it’d get better and I’m just being dramatic/sensitive and didn’t have it as bad as people w/REAL depression

Like I knew I was doing badly, I knew my depression was severe, I knew all of that, but I don’t think depression-brain could accept that it wasn’t my fault or that it could ever get better. And it’s absolutely stunning to just. Feel okay. No strings attached. No horrible self-flagellation.