i’m just tired of feeling so big and heavy all the time and looking like i’m pregnant or bloated bc of my big stomach. and also i have a lot of clothes i can’t fit into rn and i can’t afford to buy bigger clothes

i have two emotions and they are miserable/stressed/dread and feeling mildly content . like i can barely play video games anymore . i pet my cats but i don’t rlly feel any happiness from it. i just feel so nothing and empty and soulless and i don’t wanna die but idk how to live

it feels like this is just who i am now bc i can’t imagine a future where im not depressed. meds don’t help me and ill never be motivated to get better on my own so regardless of if its just my nature or if its depression im just gonna be like this for the rest of my life

i think i’m just a nothing person . like i know ppl care about me and like me but thinking about that makes me feel ill tbh . like it just feels sad that someone could love me and all they get in return is extra weight dragging them down . idk like im sure im just mentally ill but

i just feel so bleh about everything all the time . i don’t get excited. i don’t want or crave things other than like food. i can’t stop trying to feel like i did in the past . i don’t want to talk to ppl i want to sit in my room and get high and pretend im someone else all day

sometimes i’m so scared i don’t know how to be a human being anymore . i feel like i don’t rlly miss ppl the way i should and i rarely feel the urge to talk to hang out with anyone . like i blame it on the depression but maybe that’s just who i am now . a selfish self pitying freak

my chest can’t get bigger bc i won’t exercise and it doesn’t gain weight when rest of my body does and i can’t get a boob job bc that’s expensive and i can’t make my stomach smaller bc im a lazy stupid fat hog so i’m just doomed to look horrible for the rest of my life

i wish i was like . shaped good and was hot fat. like i’m rlly attracted to fat ppl but my body is just not proportional at all and it’s just weird instead of hot. like big thighs and then big round belly and my weird small flat chest and it’s just like eugh man i look like shit !!!

i’m assuming it’s probably from the weight gain and the loss of confidence after top surgery but man. i just think there’s zero attractive qualities about my body and i’ll probably never weigh less than i do now bc i can’t diet to save my life and i hate exercising

bc i’m not a sexual being and being touched sexually feels wrong ! idk what to do mannnnnn. i guess i just need to work on body acceptance and undoing internal biases or whatever but like man why can’t i just be normal and not let my sexual partners down all the time by being sex averse

like i’ll be ready to go and then as soon as i’m touched my brain is like NONONO BAD BAD BAD and i pull away. some times are better than others but sometimes i feel such a strong aversion to it idk what to do. and irs not like im not horny or attracted to my bf it’s just like. i can’t be touched -

idk what there is about me that could attract ppl at all so i just feel like a big ugly irredeemable beast. and usually i feel most comfy being dominant and only giving but i do desire being submissive and receiving as well but sometimes my brain just rejects even being touched

like i don’t think i’m like . hideous usually. but i don’t think i’m hot or sexy . like i got a flat ass and i’m short and i got a big disproportionately round belly and a weird extremely flat chest with weird nips and bad skin and a weird face. like i know my bf at least thinks im hot but

and when i started being sexually active in college i put so much emphasis on my boobs bc that’s what ppl paid attention to and that’s what i figured would make me sexually attractive . and now i don’t have boobs so i feel like there’s literally nothing about me that’s sexy

i’ve talked about it before but before transitioning/top surgery i rly felt like having big boobs was the only sexually attractive thing i had going for me . like i remember when i was like 9 and imagining a boy having a crush on me and the only thing i could think that he would like was my boobs

uncomfy but also it was easier bc i just needed to sound and feel good . and have boobs lol. now that i don’t have the inherent sex appeal of boobs + hole i feel like nobody can find me hot or take me seriously as a guy . even tho ppl do but i can’t take myself seriously so that doesn’t matter

i like it and it feels good but i can’t for some reason get into a headspace where i’m able to like “let myself go” and enjoy it without thinking about how weird and gross i look and sound . before my transition i had pretty heteronormative sex for the most part and i feel like that also made me -

the only masc thing i have issues with is my chest and that’s just bc it’s disproportionately small and flat compared to the rest of my body and it makes me uncomfortable. and also i just kinda want rlly small boobs bc i think it would be cute . but idk sex is just kinda weird for me