Waited this sounds like poem structure in my language lol hopeless is funny sometimes

I miss those times that i did things out of passion, determination and hope. I was clueless and knew no direction yet i walked on with passion to find some way. Now im in the light but still lost. And my hope is fading away.

Man :( hold it, okay?
Stay w me longer

I wish i can stop thinking but also wish to can think something for once
I want everything to just make sense for once.
I don’t want to be bad person.
I want to have at least one good
And not keep stutter all the bad and fail i have done
This hell is suffering and I don’t even know how to get out

I feel so strengthless. I can’t even delusion to keep going. I can’t even act to fool myself. I don’t even know how i behave anymore. It’s all scary. When keep thinking about how they think of me I can’t even control my actions. For many times Im in the edge of emotional bust to others. Terrible

Really,when I can’t be happy without crying or being sad(this occurs sometimes)I don’t know whether to keep that hurt happy or be done with my life. Everything be so hopeless. I can’t remember anything. I can’t feel the present or have the clear head at all. It all numb and chaotic at the same time

I don’t like my mental illness, i really suffer from this. I might even have disorder but legally I shouldn’t. I might really have depression but I shouldn’t and I don’t even have money and time to recover it. The overthinking is killing me, numbness too. But I can’t get out. It feels even wrong to

I’ve noticed that the affection(?) sometimes hurts like this sadness too. It’s like you feel the sweet from the bitter dark cocoa. It’s the feeling of, hmm, endearing? I guess. I wish I feel this emotion, or what I describe to be flavor, more.It’s quite the dramatic flavor now that I think about it

It’s like you got stabbed without a sharp pain.
And for some reason, I feel very alive. Sometimes it’s hurt, but if not it makes me feel humane. It’s also easier to be happy when in this pain. I wonder why.
I rather feel this than the nothing emotion numb gave me. I’m curious if I got addicted.

I really like sadness. In a way that it really affects me, hurt me in the heart sometimes.
It is like drop of black ink drop into clear still water. It then spreads and changes color around it. But a hurt from pure sadness is like you blood spreads trough your heart, hurt your chest then lungs

Me: what that funny sound…
Me: …that’s reaper isn’t it 💀
And I was in the middle of the map🙉💣 I just know their existence and then they came asap lol