The day will come when the aliens arrive and begin their attack. And on that day when they find out how much toilet paper I use everyday, they'll probably pack up and leave.

We’re all lucky Richard Dawson wasn’t alive at the start of the pandemic

Can you use hot dog water to make a gravy?

I don’t care what people say, I DO care about your Spotify recap. Keep listening to music even if it’s the same boring shit you’ve loved since 1997

I wish LinkedIn would tell you if someone was a premium user so I’d know if they can see me when I’m stalking them

I don't think anyone really understands how much I really like ham.

Top 10 Comic tv/movie moments:

1. Blade’s intro
2. Captain America vs Thanos
3. Anytime Toby McGuire smiles but he looks like he farted
4. Superman vs a computer
5. The intro to blade
6. The blade intro
7. Blade club scene
8. Blade
9. The first 5 minutes of Blade
10. Xmen 97 episode 5

One day when I die my funeral will be 12 hours long and it’ll just consist of a giant tv screen playing Ridiculousness for 14 hours

Do they make a Snoo for adults?

After staring at the sun way to long earlier, I've come to the conclusion that we need to invent full contact bowling.

If a toddler keeps asking a question over and over, if you say, “hell if I know” they surprisingly stop asking you the question.

Whenever I go to Costco I like to pretend that each person in there is a doomsday prepper, and I try to guess the logic in their preparation based upon what's in their cart. the old man with 4 cases of water and 6 poinsettias terrified me and filled me with hope.