i am prepared to pay someone astronomical sums to run me over as long as they make sure they finish the job

in april my boyfriend and i will have been together for six months. to celebrate i will be sacrificing him to the old gods

what do you mean i can’t go to the seaside for a week? what about my melancholy??

when will the algorithm here start showing me the funny people

very scared for the future of this country and normally we stay silly but i just don’t know if we can stay silly through this one, folks

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta. So if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

didn’t take into account how much dating someone was going to impede my time of doing fuck all nothing. really truly from the bottom of my heart wish i was doing fuck all nothing more

okay so how do we go about making this app fun and cool and just a little bit toxic but like. the normal amount, not the elon musk amount

i think if i ate wingstop right at this very moment i would convert to some sort of religion. it would be proof enough of god

okay now where are the shitposters on this app

every morning the crows outside my office sing me songs. because they love me