a new doctor.

when does that happen? because it feels like i get moments. and nothing more. im totally catastrophising but when do i stop feeling like im stuck in tunnel vision when everyone talks about a light at the end of it.

anyways. im okay. just. stressed. and unmedicated while i schedule with

im writing so much music through all of this though so. i guess thats cool. i fully understand that feelings aren’t permanent. and that i control THEM and not the other way around. but every day it just gets harder to fucking breathe. yeah ill be okay. but—

i dont want to rely on other people to make sure im standing upright. i dont want to be struggling. i dont want to be weak. or a failure. im just. im fucking tired. and some days im not sure i want to wake up. because when im sleeping, im safe from the anxiety and heaviness of it all.

fall further into my depression because im alone so much. im so stuck. and ig i just needed to rant somewhere trusted and unbiased. theres just so much uncertainty. and im fucking terrified. i want to be able to provide myself a firm foundation.

for work, ive found nothing. yet i look here, “home”. and ive got job opportunities with great pay left and right. i feel nauseous thinking about it because i dont wanna fail. or prove everyone right ig. i also dont want to live here. but when i think about going back i just feel like im gonna

is it? 👀👀🤣

putting the effort forward to mend it. regardless of my temptations im remaining committed to my healing.

my grandparents moved, im feeling alone, and honestly so wildly uncomfortable words cant describe it. but im going to meetings, keeping patience when i crave drastic changes, and not smoking to numb it.

negative : my relationship with food is on a downhill climb, but im communicating that and