literally cant stop feeling like im an entirely different person whos been suppressing the person who was originally* here and dragging his corpse around and finally pulled the trigger

*i felt like this for years before about whoever i was before things got Bad

i am normal and can be trusted with ruminations on identity and the self

i cant tell if im feeling insane bc of anything "real" or if its just because my period is starting. but ohhhhhhhhhhhhh man

theres got to be some disorder afoot

like lolwouldnt you like to know

sometimes i wonder if ive really gotten better with handling the ambiguous disorder but it becomes more clear as time goes on that ive kind of just made the connection of never reaching out -> rarely getting the chance to get unreasonably upset about things and ran with it

it is a shame my brains response to [celibacy gif] Unregulated Emotional Response is to just remove all chances for that response to happen. bc that means just waiting for things to happen around me bc if i ask for something and dont get the right response i have a meltdown or whatever. cringe!

however i wish it did not come at the expense of me actually sleeping at night

it is of course my fault im in this situation

bc i dont have a card to put money on it. and we dont have a landline and the idea of asking to use my mothers phone makes me want to [ ] and the entire thought of dealing with my bank makes me panic so badly bc of how much my mother has been on my ass about it for so long

sorry she just drives me fucking insane. im seriously not allowed to have a single problem with literally anything she does or she goes down a fucking laundry list of shit shes made up about me and/or anything about me she deems okay to belittle me for. and then always claims shes such a good mother

brought it up to her and she got pissed off at me thats so awesome. grown ass woman bitching about being told she actually needs to train her dog for him to learn anything. just making shit up about me in the most bad faith way possible so she can get mad at me for my reasonable request

unless i can convince her to start training him in any capacity. but i wouldnt be surprised if she just dismisses it and allows my life to continue being disrupted by a dog i was vehemently against getting for many reasons this being a big one