i still can’t really eat green onions anymore after she cooked for me some time last year HAHA SHE’S SO CUTE

one time her cooking made me sick but i didn’t tell her bc i wanted her to be proud of what she cooked :) I LOVE MY BABYYYY

i had a daydream, an image flashed into my mind while i was preparing for the event i just did; me vending at an event with a table full of sea four. beautiful illustrations, comics, cds in jewel cases, everything. i want that and i know i can do that, i just have to move all this other stuff around

i hope i can get myself into some classes and at least get myself into the lowest tier; be a good artist. i gotta get better, smarter, faster, more consistent, and generally more knowledgeable

i suppose most ppl, statistically, aren’t very good. then a chunk of who’s left aren’t very lucky. out of those, most can’t make a living. then whoever’s left probably only has a good decade or two where it works out. then there’s the .0001% that gets to be legends. but then, it’s still only comics

don rosa did tile, james o’barr was a marine and a mechanic, the pinis risked their livelihoods, their marriage, everything. is there ever a point where you’re doing your normal job that you hate, frazzled, grumpy, and exhausted, where you go “okay the art thing has to save me from this”

anyway, circling back around to the original thing; all these artists, ppl who were educated, dedicated, etc.. they took these huge leaps of faith, they were shunned, they enlisted, they did blue collar jobs, etc.. what am i doing? life is so hard and so complicated, is any of this gonna work out?

i love sea four, even tho there’s like no real content out there in the world, i’ve been “working on it” for over 3 years i’m pretty sure. i love the music, i love the character designs, i study a lot for it, i write a lot for it, it’s really my favorite thing that i never do

it’s hard now that i’m not scrambling just to survive, there’s this thing i always say, “when this is over, you’ll have new and more interesting problems, you won’t even remember this”, it’s true! keeps me grounded

i dunno, i used to really believe in myself. or i used to believe in myself more than my parents i guess, who did not believe in me at all and were actively working against me. the older i get, the more it seems like everyone has to remind me to believe in myself, how embarrassing!!

i love working on sea four, i just never have time. or maybe i don’t make time for it bc i don’t believe in it very much. spending time with my best friend, he pointed out that i don’t really seem to believe in the music, and i don’t! i just love doing it and wish i was doing it all of the time 🙂

when i think about it, i’ve always loved comics (started out with graphic novels) but i’ve always felt so uhh pessimistic about art as a career. i grew up a hungry child, who would want to graduate to starving artist?? but now, i know engineers who are struggling so, i guess it’s all fucked

i learn a lot of comic history, but i’m always like “wow, these artists who had educations and connections and lived during times where art could be a career… still spent a lot of time as mechanics and construction workers and soldiers” HA and they were all men, too!

there’s a comic book video essayist who i LOVE, but i always come away from them feeling strangely sad

yeah that shit was flames

made my menu board as well with all the bits and scraps and misprints, if i sell 2/3 of my inventory, i’ll make about $580, NOTHING TO SNEEZE AT! Total potential sales (if anyone was wondering) is about $880, IMAGINE! hopefully i make big cash money, then on sunday i can finally SLEEP

REMEMBERED!!! that i can order prints online for overnight pickup from fedex so now i have a bunch of prints ready for me to pick up and trim last minute for the show!!

i just don’t have a lot going for me right now and it makes me frustrated how often i find myself in this place. even the one thing i always fall back on when i have nothing- my girlfriend and my friends- all of that hangs in the balance

i hate the idea of being someone with potential and nothing to show for it, i really despise that idea. other artists see a lot of good in my work, but it just rlly falls flat. and i’ve been having my friend help me with music and he’s like “it’s good but you NEED to learn” i’m really trying to grow