Me: Bro quit oozing
My slime friend: My fault
My slime friend: My fault
December 5, 2024 at 5:17 PM
Me: Bro quit oozing
My slime friend: My fault
My slime friend: My fault
I heard from somebody that they put a curse on Lebron
December 3, 2024 at 10:09 PM
I heard from somebody that they put a curse on Lebron
My coworkers like to describe me as a “dominant force” in the office
November 27, 2024 at 1:23 AM
My coworkers like to describe me as a “dominant force” in the office
Awakening my latent power but its low-key underwhelming
November 25, 2024 at 8:48 PM
Awakening my latent power but its low-key underwhelming
The Rockets make me unreasonably angry
November 24, 2024 at 3:45 AM
The Rockets make me unreasonably angry
Are there any goblins at the function?
November 23, 2024 at 5:10 PM
Are there any goblins at the function?
*at my 4 year old nephew’s basketball game, to the other parents* This team is worthless
November 22, 2024 at 11:02 PM
*at my 4 year old nephew’s basketball game, to the other parents* This team is worthless
Pumping hot slime into my tires
November 22, 2024 at 3:47 AM
Pumping hot slime into my tires
*pitching my idea to Shark Tank by starting off with an inspiring story* When I saw Boss Baby in theaters i knew i had to become an entrepreneur
November 22, 2024 at 3:39 AM
*pitching my idea to Shark Tank by starting off with an inspiring story* When I saw Boss Baby in theaters i knew i had to become an entrepreneur
Food has a long and nuanced history
November 21, 2024 at 7:48 PM
Food has a long and nuanced history
Scientists have stopped studying me. “We’ve seen enough,” they said.
November 20, 2024 at 10:31 PM
Scientists have stopped studying me. “We’ve seen enough,” they said.
There are few things in the world
November 19, 2024 at 7:08 PM
There are few things in the world
I’m so straight people don’t believe me when I tell them I’m gay. They say “Really? You? You’re gay? But you’re not really all that interesting?”
November 11, 2024 at 7:11 PM
I’m so straight people don’t believe me when I tell them I’m gay. They say “Really? You? You’re gay? But you’re not really all that interesting?”
Wife wont stop eating our kids. We’re on our 54th child. I’ve learned to not even give them names at this point in fear or growing attached
November 5, 2024 at 7:24 PM
Wife wont stop eating our kids. We’re on our 54th child. I’ve learned to not even give them names at this point in fear or growing attached
Mom says to not go near the bottomless hole with a sign next to it that says FREE HOT DOGS BELOW
November 4, 2024 at 12:10 AM
Mom says to not go near the bottomless hole with a sign next to it that says FREE HOT DOGS BELOW
Today’s special is Bug Soup
November 1, 2024 at 2:09 PM
Today’s special is Bug Soup
Scientists have revised the figure of ‘next 3 years’ to ‘forever’
Halloween might last for the next 3 years scientists say
October 31, 2024 at 4:32 PM
Scientists have revised the figure of ‘next 3 years’ to ‘forever’
“Today is an important day for monsters” - The Halloween Historian
October 31, 2024 at 4:29 PM
“Today is an important day for monsters” - The Halloween Historian
Dr. Phil: Do you have any regret for what you did?
Me: The demon I summoned was a result of my mom taking away my electronics, if anything blame her for the destruction of the city
Me: The demon I summoned was a result of my mom taking away my electronics, if anything blame her for the destruction of the city
October 29, 2024 at 6:46 PM
Dr. Phil: Do you have any regret for what you did?
Me: The demon I summoned was a result of my mom taking away my electronics, if anything blame her for the destruction of the city
Me: The demon I summoned was a result of my mom taking away my electronics, if anything blame her for the destruction of the city
All the climate disasters recently are my fault. It’s because I did a Butterfly effect; sorry
October 29, 2024 at 1:19 PM
All the climate disasters recently are my fault. It’s because I did a Butterfly effect; sorry
Bad way to view situation: You are stuck in traffic
Better way to view situation: Your car is in line for the exit
Better way to view situation: Your car is in line for the exit
October 25, 2024 at 6:38 PM
Bad way to view situation: You are stuck in traffic
Better way to view situation: Your car is in line for the exit
Better way to view situation: Your car is in line for the exit
Q: What to do when you walk into public bathroom and see glowing bathroom stall
A: Back away slowly, do not make any loud noises
A: Back away slowly, do not make any loud noises
October 24, 2024 at 6:55 PM
Q: What to do when you walk into public bathroom and see glowing bathroom stall
A: Back away slowly, do not make any loud noises
A: Back away slowly, do not make any loud noises
Hey, I couldn't help but notice there’s this big ball of light in the air. and all this blue around it
October 23, 2024 at 10:02 PM
Hey, I couldn't help but notice there’s this big ball of light in the air. and all this blue around it
(phone notification) Reminder: Your enemies could attack at any moment
October 23, 2024 at 1:59 PM
(phone notification) Reminder: Your enemies could attack at any moment