I feel really great going into Thanksgiving with family this year. While I know i dont have to, it feels great tangibly having things go well, justifying all my life things up to this point. And also not being the most troubled among my siblings, heh.

There was an early period when I was starting E that I felt so able and comfortable finding new loves of every kind and it felt so natural. Now that life has stopped giving me bumps over the last 4 years, I feel myself going from feeling cautious, to embracing my life situation again.

But I think its freeing that the answer is "Well you're doing it! You're happy.
Enjoy this, dumbass."

Like a lot of things, I always wait for a tangible signal, like the Arcade Beat Em Up that is my brain is gonna flash Go! And indicate that its time for the next screen. I feel like I need the permission or a clear obvious sign over a concept in my own head. Taking those executive steps is difficult

Early on in this process, I struggled a lot with the question of "What do you do when its over?" What do you do about hitting a point where you don't have the daily worry ™️, where people and things that have and will hurt you aren't a problem anymore? Turns out, you just kinda... do.

They've only been in the know about me for about 3(?) years. They're both 70 so like, they're trying.

But the truth is, I live here and its great and I love my girlfriends and nearly everything about my current situation. Gotta revel in that a bit more.

Complicated feelings of "Yeah, its nice here, but eventually I'll need to go back." and there is no "back". Not even a feeling of wanting to go home, or to leave, but a "I have to". Like my life isn't actually my lived one and when times up I'll shift to a cold reality that doesn't actually exist.

You must be THIS linux to boob.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE IF YOU'RE INTO DICK GIRLS DM ME I AM SO FUCKING READY

basically being a poly little idiot has always been a good choice