Read Step One on pages 28-33 in the CoDA blue book. Discuss and reflect upon the effect that codependency has had on you over the years. Answer the fifteen questions onpages 30-31 to the best of your ability in the time allowed. Do you see that you have been involved in codependent relationships? Do you truly see that you are a codependent? Are you willing to change? Yes, hell yes, and yes. From Page 30-31, 15 questions: What neglect and abuse did I experience growing up? I was neglected by both my biological father and my step father.

Last night, I dreamt that we were having struggles in our relationship. Then I awoke to the sickening realization that I had lost you, all over again. I’m crying still. I don’t want you back, now. My shattered heart couldn’t survive that. I don’t think I’d ever be able to trust again. No, I want the version of you that I believed, when you said we’d be together forever. When you called me your husband. When you said you wanted me, you needed me, and you loved me, like that old mantra I used to tell myself.

I've recently come to believe that I am codependent. I've started going to Codependents Anonymous meetings, and it's helping me. I'm working through the thirty questions in a group called the Power of Five, along with four other group members. I won't refer to them by name to preserve their anonymity, but I am planning to post the questions and my responses here. Q1. What is the first time you can remember codependent events happening in your life? Have you lost any time, money, or energy due to unhealthy relationships? Write a brief history of your codependency.

Over Christmas 1994, Erica went home to Boise, but planned a stop in Anchorage to meet my family. Unfortunately, on my way to the airport to pick her up, my mom’s car (which I was driving) got T-boned (head on collision to the driver’s side of the car). A minivan coming down a hill to a four-way intersection couldn’t stop, ran a red light, and intersected with me.

I haven’t posted anything in a long while because my life has been a little tipsy-turvy. But that’s actually a bit of a rationalization. I think another part of my reticence in posting is because the next part of my life introduces a very important figure, my first wife Erica. It is a little difficult to talk about her, because — spoilers!

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It's January 6 without the insurrection.

The author, who is Kenough It’s finally warmed up enough that I could break out my Kenough hoodie. (Ignore the obvious battle wounds — I tripped over a dog and faceplanted on a driveway, but nothing’s broken and I’ll be fine.) It always helps when the weather is nice, and I’ve been freshly therapized today, but I’m certainly feeling more Kenough than I did last time I wore this hoodie.

After I split up with my girlfriend Rachel, I moved back into the dormitories on campus. The University of Alaska Fairbanks has two sets of dormitories: the upper campus and the lower campus. The upper campus had three connected towers, each I think six or eight floors. The lower campus had multiple three or four story buildings, but they were all separated.

A lot of this blog has been discussing my past, but I thought I'd just write a post to give an update on how I am doing right now. I've got some real struggles that I'm dealing with that are stressing me out, but there are still a few rays of sunshine. I've been mostly unemployed since January of 2023. Credit Suisse laid me off in their aggressive purges to try to stay in business, and they gave me until the end of June as a severance package.

In the fall of 1992, I returned to Fairbanks for my second year of college. I was still living with my good friend Eric (and often, his girlfriend Christine). I had a new student job doing support for the university’s VAX/VMS system. (Side tangent: my student account was my first ever “email” address, a revolutionary new concept. At the University of Alaska, email addresses were automatically assigned based on your location, your role, and your initials, so I was FSMCS1@alaska.edu.

Anyone who has read this blog probably would agree that the core values that are most important to me are humility, honesty, compassion and self-sacrifice, in some order. Unfortunately, valuing humility and self-sacrifice as much as I do doesn't exactly lead to high self-esteem. By their very nature, they mean that I do not put myself over other people; instead, I tend to think of other people as more important than I am.

In the fall of 1991, I travelled north to Fairbanks, Alaska to attend the University of Alaska Fairbanks. (Go, Nanooks!) This was the first time I lived apart from my mom for a significant period of time. In fact, my stepfather’s health had declined so much, he required a heart transplant. He had three major heart attacks by age 45, multiple bypass surgeries, and still couldn’t quit smoking cigarettes.

Wolfgang is the name my partner gave to that little voice in the back of my head that always telling me lies. You know, that little asshole who likes to catastrophize and tell us people are talking to us behind our backs or that no one likes us. My Wolfgang has been especially loud in 2025. Relationship insecurity tends to be like blood in the water for him.

I’ve been trying to reframe some of my past experiences and look at them from a different angle. It’s necessary for me to be gentler and more compassionate with myself, and to recognize the ultimate truth: we can only ever do what is within our power at that very moment. Hindsight may tell us that we should have done differently, but that is a hindsight that is based on a new understanding of the situation that is different than the knowledge we had at the time we were going through it.

I feel like I have to respond to this. Professor Neil is absolutely right about how creepy this video is. (To be honest, I haven’t disagreed with any of his takes that I’ve seen yet.) Seriously, this is far from the most romantic thing in the world for most guys. I hope. But there is a kernel of truth here that I think could have been expressed better (sooo much better!).

High school years started off very awkward for me. I had bad hair, bad glasses, terrible style, and I was overweight and depressed. The High School years I didn’t have a lot of friends. And for some reason, in 9th grade, I went from being in Honors English classes to a remedial English class. I didn’t complain, because one of my friends (Chris) and a couple of cute girls were in the class.

This video of professional body builder Chris Bumstead really spoke to me and I wanted to share it. As he so rightly states, we are all sometimes burdens to our partners. Trusting them to support us affords us the courage to support them in return, which deepens our relationship. Ultimately, we benefit from showing our weaknesses and asking for help.

I previously wrote about the tumultuous years when things in my life went bad, but it's not fair to say that fully describes my life from age 7 to 13. There were some good things too, and I should honor them by writing about them, too. I mentioned them in brief here, but I'd like to expand on them some.

A worthiness wound is a deeply held belief that we are in some way inadequate, less than, or broken. Its origins lie deep in our childhoods, where we were likely made to feel inadequate and unworthy. For me, I think my wound comes from feeling abandoned by my father and often not prioritized by my mother. Don't get me wrong, my mother was a wonderful loving person, and to this day, I remember her with love.

I’ve been struggling lately with some aspects of my life. One of the friends I discussed it with gave me some solid advice, which I will paraphrase: stop focusing on what I don’t have yet, and recognize what I do have instead. So I think I will try to do just that: I am grateful for my amazing partner and best friend, who are both the same person.

I’m currently reading How To Do The Work, by Dr. Nicole LePera, a Christmas gift from my sweet girlfriend, and also Polysecure, by Jessica Fern. As a result, I’m learning a lot about the Four Attachment Styles. I’m also learning about mine in particular: Anxious Attachment style. Four attachment styles Most of us develop these attachment styles in our childhood (although, I’m learning, it is possible to change into an “earned” attachment style that is different than your original one).

It doesn’t matter if it’s a job you want, a potential partner you’re excited about, or a partner that you’ve been with for a long time. It always stings. There’s no way around it. Ultimately, it’s because you offered up yourself and they found you… wanting. Not good enough. And being faced with that can really make you question your own value.

Life comes at you fast, and we all will face challenges. The loss of a loved one. Termination of a job. A crumbling relationship. Even a friendship gone sour, that you used to cherish. It’s okay to cry. It’s natural. Our bodies (yes, even male bodies) are made for it. It releases cortisol, the stress hormone, from our body, and it creates oxytocin and endorphins to make us feel happier and more secure.

Dear little caretaker yes-man Michael, I see what you endured and how hard it was for you. I know you learned that you didn’t matter and that you had to push your needs aside to feel like you were good enough to deserve love. I’m sorry you never felt loved enough to feel safe and secure in your relationships. You deserve to have your needs met.