“ I don’t care if you’re purple, blue, or green ….”
Martians:
“Damn. Sucks to be brown. ”
Martians:
“Damn. Sucks to be brown. ”
January 12, 2026 at 12:24 PM
“ I don’t care if you’re purple, blue, or green ….”
Martians:
“Damn. Sucks to be brown. ”
Martians:
“Damn. Sucks to be brown. ”
Reposted by Mike Malone
Mamdani has only been Mayor for a day & criminals are already fleeing New York
January 2, 2026 at 4:32 PM
Mamdani has only been Mayor for a day & criminals are already fleeing New York
Before GPS,
we had DPS
(Dads Punching Steering-wheels)
we had DPS
(Dads Punching Steering-wheels)
December 30, 2025 at 12:19 PM
Before GPS,
we had DPS
(Dads Punching Steering-wheels)
we had DPS
(Dads Punching Steering-wheels)
Before GPS,
we had DPS
(Dads Punching Steering-wheels)
we had DPS
(Dads Punching Steering-wheels)
December 30, 2025 at 12:18 PM
Before GPS,
we had DPS
(Dads Punching Steering-wheels)
we had DPS
(Dads Punching Steering-wheels)
Official end of the night:
1. Thigh-slap
2. Stand up
3. “Alright.”
1. Thigh-slap
2. Stand up
3. “Alright.”
December 26, 2025 at 12:46 AM
Official end of the night:
1. Thigh-slap
2. Stand up
3. “Alright.”
1. Thigh-slap
2. Stand up
3. “Alright.”
Childhood lie:
“Santa is real.”
Adulthood lie:
“My hard work and dedication to the company is invaluable and will be rewarded .”
“Santa is real.”
Adulthood lie:
“My hard work and dedication to the company is invaluable and will be rewarded .”
December 17, 2025 at 12:58 PM
Childhood lie:
“Santa is real.”
Adulthood lie:
“My hard work and dedication to the company is invaluable and will be rewarded .”
“Santa is real.”
Adulthood lie:
“My hard work and dedication to the company is invaluable and will be rewarded .”
“Yea I’m almost there at the holiday party.
I just need to circle around the restaurant about ten times pondering if I should turn back. “
I just need to circle around the restaurant about ten times pondering if I should turn back. “
December 11, 2025 at 3:18 PM
“Yea I’m almost there at the holiday party.
I just need to circle around the restaurant about ten times pondering if I should turn back. “
I just need to circle around the restaurant about ten times pondering if I should turn back. “
My favorite cereal was Honey Nut Lucky Charm Bran and whatever else my dad would mix because “why do we have so many boxes opened!”
December 7, 2025 at 12:43 PM
My favorite cereal was Honey Nut Lucky Charm Bran and whatever else my dad would mix because “why do we have so many boxes opened!”
Death is my second greatest fear.
Farting in front of my crush and staying alive afterward is my first.
Farting in front of my crush and staying alive afterward is my first.
December 3, 2025 at 12:04 PM
Death is my second greatest fear.
Farting in front of my crush and staying alive afterward is my first.
Farting in front of my crush and staying alive afterward is my first.
I pooped out a full baby carrot.
Then I asked my neighbor what else he’s been finding in his rose garden.
Then I asked my neighbor what else he’s been finding in his rose garden.
November 30, 2025 at 7:04 PM
I pooped out a full baby carrot.
Then I asked my neighbor what else he’s been finding in his rose garden.
Then I asked my neighbor what else he’s been finding in his rose garden.
“WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?! CAN’T YOU READ!!”
OMNY readers:
“ …..NOOOOO……ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!!!”
OMNY readers:
“ …..NOOOOO……ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!!!”
November 25, 2025 at 1:34 PM
“WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?! CAN’T YOU READ!!”
OMNY readers:
“ …..NOOOOO……ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!!!”
OMNY readers:
“ …..NOOOOO……ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!!!”
Every email this week:
“HAPPY TURKEY DAY FROM OUR OFFICE TO YOURS!”
Also GO F*CK YOURSELF! We’re Closed !!
“HAPPY TURKEY DAY FROM OUR OFFICE TO YOURS!”
Also GO F*CK YOURSELF! We’re Closed !!
November 23, 2025 at 6:49 PM
Every email this week:
“HAPPY TURKEY DAY FROM OUR OFFICE TO YOURS!”
Also GO F*CK YOURSELF! We’re Closed !!
“HAPPY TURKEY DAY FROM OUR OFFICE TO YOURS!”
Also GO F*CK YOURSELF! We’re Closed !!
Dating bio:
“I hate fake people”
Ginger bread man: (weeps softly)
“I hate fake people”
Ginger bread man: (weeps softly)
November 16, 2025 at 5:34 PM
Dating bio:
“I hate fake people”
Ginger bread man: (weeps softly)
“I hate fake people”
Ginger bread man: (weeps softly)
Instagram warning:
you’ve reached your limit. You should close your app
(Should be) Instagram warning: you’ve reached her post from 2013! Close, close now!
you’ve reached your limit. You should close your app
(Should be) Instagram warning: you’ve reached her post from 2013! Close, close now!
November 15, 2025 at 2:27 PM
Instagram warning:
you’ve reached your limit. You should close your app
(Should be) Instagram warning: you’ve reached her post from 2013! Close, close now!
you’ve reached your limit. You should close your app
(Should be) Instagram warning: you’ve reached her post from 2013! Close, close now!
YouTube is really like ‘We NEED to know, have you ever heard of Kleenex’?
November 15, 2025 at 2:26 PM
YouTube is really like ‘We NEED to know, have you ever heard of Kleenex’?
‘Penny for your thoughts’
has just been inflated to a nickel
has just been inflated to a nickel
November 13, 2025 at 2:04 PM
‘Penny for your thoughts’
has just been inflated to a nickel
has just been inflated to a nickel
“Lock them up!”
- towards criminals
“Break those bad boys out!”
- towards BBQ ribs
- towards criminals
“Break those bad boys out!”
- towards BBQ ribs
November 11, 2025 at 12:38 PM
“Lock them up!”
- towards criminals
“Break those bad boys out!”
- towards BBQ ribs
- towards criminals
“Break those bad boys out!”
- towards BBQ ribs
Adults then: “Be polite. Play nice. You don’t see us name calling …”
Same adults: “we never said that..”
Same adults: “we never said that..”
November 8, 2025 at 11:39 AM
Adults then: “Be polite. Play nice. You don’t see us name calling …”
Same adults: “we never said that..”
Same adults: “we never said that..”
Dudes will preach to you his whole existence from a snippet on a podcast 20 years ago but not know how to pronounce his name.
November 6, 2025 at 11:58 AM
Dudes will preach to you his whole existence from a snippet on a podcast 20 years ago but not know how to pronounce his name.
“Let me be clear…”
-healthy pee
-healthy pee
November 4, 2025 at 11:52 AM
“Let me be clear…”
-healthy pee
-healthy pee
Gen Z parents will be like
“OH I’ll give you something to vibe about!”
“OH I’ll give you something to vibe about!”
October 29, 2025 at 11:59 AM
Gen Z parents will be like
“OH I’ll give you something to vibe about!”
“OH I’ll give you something to vibe about!”
If you ever think you have a bad idea, just remember someone was like
‘forget zippers. let’s put 7 buttons on that fly’
‘forget zippers. let’s put 7 buttons on that fly’
October 28, 2025 at 10:41 AM
If you ever think you have a bad idea, just remember someone was like
‘forget zippers. let’s put 7 buttons on that fly’
‘forget zippers. let’s put 7 buttons on that fly’
So recent polls show that two-thirds of Americans don’t believe polls.
October 27, 2025 at 1:52 PM
So recent polls show that two-thirds of Americans don’t believe polls.
Ballroom is where the lockers are at the YMCA
October 26, 2025 at 11:27 AM
Ballroom is where the lockers are at the YMCA
Life Savers candy thinks a little too highly of themselves.
October 26, 2025 at 11:23 AM
Life Savers candy thinks a little too highly of themselves.