Can he at least make the trains run on time

When it's cold, I get to feel like a fire-breathing dragon, but for mildly warm air

The worst part about not having earbuds isn't losing the excuse to not talk to people or not having music; the worst part about rawdogging the soundscape is having to listen to other people's shitty music

If I was Persephone and Hades gave me Goldfish, I would simply never leave

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... still shame on you, you know how easily fooled I am.

Ohio is the Florida of Canada

Me, being interrogated for stealing marine wildlife: "Wow, you guys sure axolotl questions"

"We leave the verification of this fact as a straightforward exercise to the reader" bitch I paid for you to teach me not leave me with your befuddled nonsense

Built different

When frogs go out drinking, do they call it 'Hoppy Hour'?

"You're Mexican. You have an advantage"

It's not enough to be fast. Why they have to be mad about it too