please fuck off russia

i start the podcast and i’m like 😡 great. these chucklefucks are back at it. stop making jokes it’s 1 am

you can see the indents where i poked at it with a spoon in disbelief

all that to say… thank you. i genuinely feel better. i don’t know when’s the last time i actually posted something personal without resorting to jokes to make it more digestible and seem like i’m flippant, and it’s so relieving that it actually ended up not only ok, but helped me feel normal. 🫂

it really helps to know i’m not fully alone. if i could believe for a bit that this is relatively normal, that other people feel as hopeless sometimes, that i’m not uniquely broken, and that there will then be good periods because people who can relate are ok currently… it would be so much easier

:( for a week or so i’ve been carefully watching myself to check how numb or depressed i am… i realized it’s anxiety AGAIN to be worried about depression but realizing it is only half the battle :(

every time i’m like “oh yeah, i’m feeling slowly better. i think im coming out of this slump i’ve been in” and it’s actually the start of another.

this is it i think. this is how far i could bring myself before my mind melts and im incapable. i thought i was growing and learning and becoming my own person but i think i was just running away or hiding and there’s no hiding anymore

i am SO SCARED. there is no cure, there is no exit, there is just “learning how to deal with it”. how do you learn how to deal with something you don’t even realize is happening?

i look back and it’s been anxiety forever. i just had school to focus it on. i feel incapable of going to work, i feel incapable of being a normal person

it’s constant. it’s about something else every time. i can’t tell it’s anxiety until it’s been days. it repeats constantly. the only times i know peace are when my mind is so tired from it that it let’s up for a few hours before sleep. what the fuck

they really should teach languages in a variety of environments so i don’t forget everything when im panicking

aaa i had a therapist appointment and subsequently crashed out for the remainder of the day lmfao one second

i saw a furry running the “darude sandstorm marathon” in helsinki yesterday and felt like i was witnessing the nation of Finland all collapsed into one being :D we have a million new space tech projects, but im taking a bit of time away due to mental health. the secret stuff ill DM you in a bit 🤭

im sad and scared lol xd heho

but then i realized maybe this happens to a lot of people and thus other people struggling also feel really lonely and like their illness is the worst of its kind, and then i got tired of myself and almost quit the post, and then i realized old me would have posted anyway

DUDE i literally wanted to tag you or reference the vice city cafe but i got shy lmfao