Matt Hearnden
@matthearnden.bsky.social
Humour writer. Contributor to Slackjaw, McSweeney’s, and here, I guess. LinkedIn Top Voice, somehow. Tall, but not - despite widespread speculation - beets. Corporate satire monthly newsletter: https://theshareholders.beehiiv.com/subscribe
If you get demoralised on your job search, at least you can add 'Politician' to your CV
January 22, 2025 at 2:03 PM
If you get demoralised on your job search, at least you can add 'Politician' to your CV
Always bring your authentic self to an interview process.
Just make sure your authenticity aligns perfectly with the hiring teams’ various biases, okay?
Just make sure your authenticity aligns perfectly with the hiring teams’ various biases, okay?
January 20, 2025 at 5:38 PM
Always bring your authentic self to an interview process.
Just make sure your authenticity aligns perfectly with the hiring teams’ various biases, okay?
Just make sure your authenticity aligns perfectly with the hiring teams’ various biases, okay?
I feel like it’s a pretty millennial thing to be ambitious but worried you won’t be able to fulfil that ambition so you worry yourself into doing nothing and then feel bad for doing nothing because you should be doing something because you need to see yourself as really ambitious to be worthy
January 20, 2025 at 12:31 PM
I feel like it’s a pretty millennial thing to be ambitious but worried you won’t be able to fulfil that ambition so you worry yourself into doing nothing and then feel bad for doing nothing because you should be doing something because you need to see yourself as really ambitious to be worthy
So many companies are still clueless. It’s not about the money. It’s about creating an environment that allows people to:
• maximise shareholder value
• maximise as much shareholder value as possible
• maximise even more shareholder value than that
• maximise shareholder value
• maximise as much shareholder value as possible
• maximise even more shareholder value than that
January 20, 2025 at 11:53 AM
So many companies are still clueless. It’s not about the money. It’s about creating an environment that allows people to:
• maximise shareholder value
• maximise as much shareholder value as possible
• maximise even more shareholder value than that
• maximise shareholder value
• maximise as much shareholder value as possible
• maximise even more shareholder value than that
4 stages of life:
• birth
• five-month recruitment process including stakeholders you'll never see again, an unpaid eight-hour-long assignment due tomorrow, a last-minute changing in hiring manager (and salary), and just one more quick final interview after the final interview
• ghosted
• death
• birth
• five-month recruitment process including stakeholders you'll never see again, an unpaid eight-hour-long assignment due tomorrow, a last-minute changing in hiring manager (and salary), and just one more quick final interview after the final interview
• ghosted
• death
January 19, 2025 at 10:48 PM
4 stages of life:
• birth
• five-month recruitment process including stakeholders you'll never see again, an unpaid eight-hour-long assignment due tomorrow, a last-minute changing in hiring manager (and salary), and just one more quick final interview after the final interview
• ghosted
• death
• birth
• five-month recruitment process including stakeholders you'll never see again, an unpaid eight-hour-long assignment due tomorrow, a last-minute changing in hiring manager (and salary), and just one more quick final interview after the final interview
• ghosted
• death
A strong and unique way to finish off an interview:
“Thanks for my time today. You’ll be in touch.”
“Thanks for my time today. You’ll be in touch.”
January 19, 2025 at 9:41 AM
A strong and unique way to finish off an interview:
“Thanks for my time today. You’ll be in touch.”
“Thanks for my time today. You’ll be in touch.”
A candidate called me and asked to rearrange their interview.
They said, “I’m so sorry, there was an emergency, I’m at the hosp-”
I stopped them immediately.
1) I do not need to know the problem.
2) I do not need you to apologise.
3) I do not care in the slightest.
4) I will never hire you.
They said, “I’m so sorry, there was an emergency, I’m at the hosp-”
I stopped them immediately.
1) I do not need to know the problem.
2) I do not need you to apologise.
3) I do not care in the slightest.
4) I will never hire you.
January 18, 2025 at 5:06 PM
A candidate called me and asked to rearrange their interview.
They said, “I’m so sorry, there was an emergency, I’m at the hosp-”
I stopped them immediately.
1) I do not need to know the problem.
2) I do not need you to apologise.
3) I do not care in the slightest.
4) I will never hire you.
They said, “I’m so sorry, there was an emergency, I’m at the hosp-”
I stopped them immediately.
1) I do not need to know the problem.
2) I do not need you to apologise.
3) I do not care in the slightest.
4) I will never hire you.
How to answer the hardest interview question in the world:
“Can you explain this gap in your CV?”
Answer:
“Yes. That is when I did not have a job.”
You’re welcome.
“Can you explain this gap in your CV?”
Answer:
“Yes. That is when I did not have a job.”
You’re welcome.
January 18, 2025 at 2:10 PM
How to answer the hardest interview question in the world:
“Can you explain this gap in your CV?”
Answer:
“Yes. That is when I did not have a job.”
You’re welcome.
“Can you explain this gap in your CV?”
Answer:
“Yes. That is when I did not have a job.”
You’re welcome.
10 things that require no talent and will help you get hired NOW:
1. Being on time
2. Making an effort
3. Being high energy
4. Positive attitude
5. Being on time
6. Having a high, positive, effortful energy
7. Big effort & energy
8. Being even more on time
9. Extortion
10. Dad owns the company
1. Being on time
2. Making an effort
3. Being high energy
4. Positive attitude
5. Being on time
6. Having a high, positive, effortful energy
7. Big effort & energy
8. Being even more on time
9. Extortion
10. Dad owns the company
January 16, 2025 at 7:59 PM
10 things that require no talent and will help you get hired NOW:
1. Being on time
2. Making an effort
3. Being high energy
4. Positive attitude
5. Being on time
6. Having a high, positive, effortful energy
7. Big effort & energy
8. Being even more on time
9. Extortion
10. Dad owns the company
1. Being on time
2. Making an effort
3. Being high energy
4. Positive attitude
5. Being on time
6. Having a high, positive, effortful energy
7. Big effort & energy
8. Being even more on time
9. Extortion
10. Dad owns the company
I am “anxious about my tamagotchi being dead when I get home from school” years old
January 16, 2025 at 12:23 PM
I am “anxious about my tamagotchi being dead when I get home from school” years old
At the end of any interview, always ask the following: “Do you have any hesitations about hiring me?”
This will give the interviewer the chance to blow the most infinitesimal lack of experience into a full-blown dealbreaker.
This will give the interviewer the chance to blow the most infinitesimal lack of experience into a full-blown dealbreaker.
January 16, 2025 at 9:57 AM
At the end of any interview, always ask the following: “Do you have any hesitations about hiring me?”
This will give the interviewer the chance to blow the most infinitesimal lack of experience into a full-blown dealbreaker.
This will give the interviewer the chance to blow the most infinitesimal lack of experience into a full-blown dealbreaker.
If a company requires a cover letter, they might just have an anxious attachment style and need incontrovertible proof you really do love them.
Or perhaps their love language is words of affirmation.
But did you think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Or perhaps their love language is words of affirmation.
But did you think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
January 15, 2025 at 6:53 PM
If a company requires a cover letter, they might just have an anxious attachment style and need incontrovertible proof you really do love them.
Or perhaps their love language is words of affirmation.
But did you think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Or perhaps their love language is words of affirmation.
But did you think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
@robwhart.bsky.social Hey Rob. Not sure the contact page is working properly - I submitted a request but didn’t get any sort of confirmation. Do you have an email I could send to? Or I could DM you on here? Thanks!
January 15, 2025 at 3:06 PM
@robwhart.bsky.social Hey Rob. Not sure the contact page is working properly - I submitted a request but didn’t get any sort of confirmation. Do you have an email I could send to? Or I could DM you on here? Thanks!
Should recruiters care about a candidate’s email address?
Yes.
For example, if I see a 'gmail' address it’s an automatic no.
36% of Google's products since 1998 have failed. I can’t move someone forward who would associate themselves with such a piss-poor company.
Yes.
For example, if I see a 'gmail' address it’s an automatic no.
36% of Google's products since 1998 have failed. I can’t move someone forward who would associate themselves with such a piss-poor company.
January 15, 2025 at 10:09 AM
Should recruiters care about a candidate’s email address?
Yes.
For example, if I see a 'gmail' address it’s an automatic no.
36% of Google's products since 1998 have failed. I can’t move someone forward who would associate themselves with such a piss-poor company.
Yes.
For example, if I see a 'gmail' address it’s an automatic no.
36% of Google's products since 1998 have failed. I can’t move someone forward who would associate themselves with such a piss-poor company.
“No” is a complete sentence, and can be used liberally.
Another sentence that can be used liberally?
“No, you shouldn’t start a podcast.”
Another sentence that can be used liberally?
“No, you shouldn’t start a podcast.”
January 15, 2025 at 10:08 AM
“No” is a complete sentence, and can be used liberally.
Another sentence that can be used liberally?
“No, you shouldn’t start a podcast.”
Another sentence that can be used liberally?
“No, you shouldn’t start a podcast.”
If you have any semblance of work-life balance, you’ll never experience burnout - and burnout is a gift. It means you’ve successfully ignored your rapidly deteriorating mental health to appease nameless and faceless shareholders - and this, of course, is the foundation of all economies.
January 14, 2025 at 10:54 AM
If you have any semblance of work-life balance, you’ll never experience burnout - and burnout is a gift. It means you’ve successfully ignored your rapidly deteriorating mental health to appease nameless and faceless shareholders - and this, of course, is the foundation of all economies.
You want to know the salary range? The thing that has huge influence not only on whether or not you take the job but on your lifestyle and also your mental health?
Lol
Lol
January 13, 2025 at 9:40 PM
You want to know the salary range? The thing that has huge influence not only on whether or not you take the job but on your lifestyle and also your mental health?
Lol
Lol
If you set and enforce clear boundaries around work-life balance, it becomes impossible for your employer to exploit you. If other employees followed your recklessness, the company would soon go out of business and thousands would lose their jobs. That would be a tragedy, as well as your fault.
January 13, 2025 at 4:12 PM
If you set and enforce clear boundaries around work-life balance, it becomes impossible for your employer to exploit you. If other employees followed your recklessness, the company would soon go out of business and thousands would lose their jobs. That would be a tragedy, as well as your fault.
A good template to use if you ever need to send a rejection email:
“Hi [name],
Thanks for interviewing with us. Unfortunately, we’ll be going in another direction. Don’t worry; it was nothing to do with your looks. We wish you all the best going forward.
Kind Regards,
[name]”
“Hi [name],
Thanks for interviewing with us. Unfortunately, we’ll be going in another direction. Don’t worry; it was nothing to do with your looks. We wish you all the best going forward.
Kind Regards,
[name]”
January 13, 2025 at 10:16 AM
A good template to use if you ever need to send a rejection email:
“Hi [name],
Thanks for interviewing with us. Unfortunately, we’ll be going in another direction. Don’t worry; it was nothing to do with your looks. We wish you all the best going forward.
Kind Regards,
[name]”
“Hi [name],
Thanks for interviewing with us. Unfortunately, we’ll be going in another direction. Don’t worry; it was nothing to do with your looks. We wish you all the best going forward.
Kind Regards,
[name]”
Meta’s Entire Fact Checking Budget Transferred To Zuckerberg’s Lawyers So They Can Contest The Many Supposedly False Facts In ‘The Social Network’
January 12, 2025 at 8:01 PM
Meta’s Entire Fact Checking Budget Transferred To Zuckerberg’s Lawyers So They Can Contest The Many Supposedly False Facts In ‘The Social Network’
Meta’s Entire DE&I Budget Rerouted To Brand New ‘Masculine Energy’ Division
January 12, 2025 at 7:58 PM
Meta’s Entire DE&I Budget Rerouted To Brand New ‘Masculine Energy’ Division
January 12, 2025 at 6:36 PM
Generic White Man Posts Tired Satire On New Social Media Platform In Transparent Ploy For Low-Effort Fame And Fortune
January 12, 2025 at 2:38 PM
Generic White Man Posts Tired Satire On New Social Media Platform In Transparent Ploy For Low-Effort Fame And Fortune
Interviewer Found To Be Incredibly Biased Towards Those With Correct Skills And Experience
January 12, 2025 at 2:00 PM
Interviewer Found To Be Incredibly Biased Towards Those With Correct Skills And Experience
In fairness to Elon Musk, Andy Jassy, and other business “leaders” wanting everyone back in the office, when everyone’s working from home it’s nigh on impossible to have an affair
January 12, 2025 at 10:16 AM
In fairness to Elon Musk, Andy Jassy, and other business “leaders” wanting everyone back in the office, when everyone’s working from home it’s nigh on impossible to have an affair