@lastweektonight.com Thanks for coming to Erie! You all made it a really special night for all of us. Also—not a bad first pitch, for a brit.

I don’t have any real followers, but my fake followers make me feel special all the same.

I was at my yearly physical and my doctor told me I need to stop eating Chipotle. I asked him why—my blood tests were fine and I’m not overweight. Apparently, he just didn’t want hot sauce all over his examination room.

I secretly tell each of my kids that they’re my favorite and not to tell the other two. My plan is to keep up this charade until I die, at which point they’ll figure it out while they’re fighting over my estate. Hopefully, it brings them closer together. If not, I'm still laughing from the grave.

A lot of leftists give Donald grief for only eating McDonald’s, but he only does it because Elon won’t help him cut the crusts off his Peanut Butter and Jellies.