Jon
@mathturbator.bsky.social
Physicist turned full-time stand-up comedian.
Hot tip: With Florida banning all vaccines for kids, invest now in child-size coffin manufacturers. Gonna be a real money maker!
September 3, 2025 at 9:17 PM
Hot tip: With Florida banning all vaccines for kids, invest now in child-size coffin manufacturers. Gonna be a real money maker!
I get what Trump and MAGA want to do, but there’s got to be an easier way to translate “The Diary of Anne Frank” into Spanish. Which is a weird goal cause MAGA can’t even read!
August 12, 2025 at 5:38 PM
I get what Trump and MAGA want to do, but there’s got to be an easier way to translate “The Diary of Anne Frank” into Spanish. Which is a weird goal cause MAGA can’t even read!
We can say the word “retard” again because it’s no longer punching down: they’re the ones in power.
August 9, 2025 at 8:45 PM
We can say the word “retard” again because it’s no longer punching down: they’re the ones in power.
Kinda fitting if America’s Reichstag Fire is “Big Balls got attacked!”
August 6, 2025 at 6:23 PM
Kinda fitting if America’s Reichstag Fire is “Big Balls got attacked!”
Looks like it’s time to move Trump to a new parish.
July 23, 2025 at 8:15 PM
Looks like it’s time to move Trump to a new parish.
With Trump and all the Republicans acting like giant babies, it’s unsurprising that they’re getting fucked by Epstein.
July 16, 2025 at 10:04 PM
With Trump and all the Republicans acting like giant babies, it’s unsurprising that they’re getting fucked by Epstein.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was a Doritos™ Locos Taco at the Taco Bell in Pacifica.
July 15, 2025 at 12:11 AM
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was a Doritos™ Locos Taco at the Taco Bell in Pacifica.
History shows us over and over that it won’t get better until it gets far far worse, so I’m glad it’s at least happening quickly.
July 4, 2025 at 8:13 AM
History shows us over and over that it won’t get better until it gets far far worse, so I’m glad it’s at least happening quickly.
I stopped observing the news, so I can’t be responsible for Schrödinger’s bombing of Iran.
June 20, 2025 at 12:27 AM
I stopped observing the news, so I can’t be responsible for Schrödinger’s bombing of Iran.
If we want to destroy Iran, shouldn’t we just drop all the MAGA supporters on them?
June 18, 2025 at 7:16 PM
If we want to destroy Iran, shouldn’t we just drop all the MAGA supporters on them?
They’re doing this because they hate properly seasoned food.
June 10, 2025 at 3:56 AM
They’re doing this because they hate properly seasoned food.
Not @theonion.com
GOP Sen. Joni Ernst responds to voters saying that cutting Medicaid will kill them: “Well, we all are going to die.”
May 30, 2025 at 5:44 PM
Not @theonion.com
May 30, 2025 at 11:46 AM
Refusing to endanger their students by giving into the Trump administration’s illegal demands, Harvard has finally become a safety school.
May 24, 2025 at 6:58 AM
Refusing to endanger their students by giving into the Trump administration’s illegal demands, Harvard has finally become a safety school.
Everything sucks; we can’t even put ketchup on the Pope anymore! Thanks a lot, Chicago.
May 8, 2025 at 11:10 PM
Everything sucks; we can’t even put ketchup on the Pope anymore! Thanks a lot, Chicago.
Of course America is going to off-shore and outsource even our death camps. What happened to American pride? What happened to building American?
April 15, 2025 at 1:32 AM
Of course America is going to off-shore and outsource even our death camps. What happened to American pride? What happened to building American?
Joe Biden left the US economy so weak that it could be destroyed by just one man.
April 6, 2025 at 2:17 AM
Joe Biden left the US economy so weak that it could be destroyed by just one man.
Tomorrow, I give a 43 year-old bearded man a handjob. This is what my life decisions have led to.
March 16, 2025 at 12:11 AM
Tomorrow, I give a 43 year-old bearded man a handjob. This is what my life decisions have led to.
Gauging interest: how many of you would contribute to a Patreon to support me in an attempt to live for a whole year off of only Hello Kitty branded products and services? I’ve found ramen and sake, I think I could do this…
March 13, 2025 at 5:06 AM
Gauging interest: how many of you would contribute to a Patreon to support me in an attempt to live for a whole year off of only Hello Kitty branded products and services? I’ve found ramen and sake, I think I could do this…
In all fairness, if the Department of Education had been working, there wouldn’t be any Trump supporters.
March 4, 2025 at 1:08 PM
In all fairness, if the Department of Education had been working, there wouldn’t be any Trump supporters.
Trump supporters getting screwed by Trump should be a category on PornHub.
February 27, 2025 at 1:43 PM
Trump supporters getting screwed by Trump should be a category on PornHub.
They need to make horse blinders for people with ADHD. Or give horses Adderall. Something.
February 13, 2025 at 4:09 PM
They need to make horse blinders for people with ADHD. Or give horses Adderall. Something.
Gonna be ironic if the only member of the Trump administration to be assassinated is RFK Jr.; Alanis gonna have to write a new lyric.
February 12, 2025 at 3:39 PM
Gonna be ironic if the only member of the Trump administration to be assassinated is RFK Jr.; Alanis gonna have to write a new lyric.
Happy 2685th birthday Japan; you don’t look a day over 1600!
February 11, 2025 at 4:56 PM
Happy 2685th birthday Japan; you don’t look a day over 1600!
At least it wasn’t one person’s fault; they can blame the entire team. #superbowl
February 10, 2025 at 3:22 AM
At least it wasn’t one person’s fault; they can blame the entire team. #superbowl