I was always told that both my parents died in child birth but could never get any details about how it happened.

Walking around town in my new Gouis Vuitton slippers. Y'all can't touch my drip! For real though, my slime trail is highly toxic.

I love being at a metal concert and watching security gently receive crowd surfers and deliver them to the ground like a newborn calf.

I went to get a new Scrub Daddy, but all they had were Scrub Mistresses. I ended up having to get a Scrub Divorce Attorney.

I bet Mondays at the Dollywood next to the Vatican are an absolute fuck fest!

I'll bet if you practice, you can blow in a fish's mouth and play their gills like a flute.

If anyone needs any proctology services, my cousin Dr Adnap Retlaw is trying to get licensed and needs to check out 5 more holes. He's a full spectrum specialist, though; he'll check you from mouth to south.

I'm sick of my doctor always blaming me for my problems. Maybe it's your ethra this time, Dr. Retlaw!

I’ve decided to start producing milk from secret places

my tummy’s got the rumblies only hands can satisfy

no coffin, please. just wet, wet mud

I think my email got hacked, guys. If you see something from me that looks like this, it's a ruse. My middle name is T and I'm not friggin' Irish!