half a bottle of cleaning acid. Even now, I can barely speak longer than 30 minutes without fucking up my throat, but it's not like I'm a talkative person to begin with.

But not today. Maybe someday, when I truly have nothing else to live for. Hopefully it would be as painless as I'd hope.

When she feels like we're ignoring her or just wants to argue, she does a little 'awoo woo' like a weird husky, and she keeps getting louder and whinier every time we argue back with her jslajdaa

To be fair, I'm pretty sure she learned all that from her brother before he died (he's a whiny boy lol)

Like bro,,,,, the constant threat of childbearing looms over my very existence, and I would like to be rid of it please (or at least transfer it to those who deserve it more than I do)

Tossing and turning only keeps me from sleeping, and I get so desperate trying to relax that I have trouble breathing and accidentally lose sensations in my limbs, which worsens the panic I feel. Strong scents genuinely help to keep me grounded, so I guess oils are useful for placebos after all lol

I've always had trouble sleeping most nights because my body instinctively seizes up whenever I lay down to sleep, and I have a hard time relaxing my muscles unless I'm really tired. Being in the dark worsens the sensation since I can only focus on every little uncomfortable sensations around me.

At least I'm comforted by the assurance that even if I die sooner rather than later, my parents would still have the child who actually took their values to heart and made something of his life. I hope they know how lucky they are to have raised a son like my brother.

Than what I am now is beginning to mount on my psyche, especially when I can't see myself having any kind of meaningful future. I'm practically dead weight to my parents, but they still love and care for me, and I feel bad because I'm just STUCK and unable to reciprocate to mobilize my goddamn life.

I try my best to chastise myself for thinking that way, especially since I never want to give my brother more pressure than he's already feeling. He's only a year older than me, and he's still figuring his shit out. I just want to love and support him as best as I can, but the pressure to be more—

Always had an unhealthy habit of comparing myself to him even though I know we both have our own strengths, weaknesses, and struggles. Even so, our differences in capabilities is staggering to see, and I'm beginning to fear that I'll be left behind, just like all the youngest siblings in my family.

FINALLY RECOVERED THEM HUZZAH!!!

And just in case:

Time on an artwork to make it look better. It's like nothing I do is ever enough, even though I know nobody else outside of my established circle can see the stuff I share. There's no harm in doing something like this, so why the fuck am I still terrified?

Let me brainrot in peace again, damn it.

About posting about whatever's on my mind, especially when it comes to self-indulgent shit.

But at the same time, I can't help but feel dissatisfied every time I share my thoughts or drawings. It's always the same worries on how I could have worded my thoughts better or I should have spent more—